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When you’re just in it for the sex

Posted on Wednesday, April 7, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles

I had a feeling Chris wasn’t right for me from the beginning.

Well, that’s not quite right; he was cute and sweet and smart in some ways. But he was boring. I know that nerdy guys are the Next Big Thing but not back then.

After about two months, I was antsy.

“So, when are you going to dump him?” Sara asked me, which isn’t all that PC a thing to say to a friend.

“Soon, maybe, I guess …”      

“Kat, why are you such a wimp?”

“I’m not a wimp! Anyway, he suits my purposes for now.”

“And those ‘purposes’ might be …?”

“He’s really good in bed.”

“Oh! And here I was thinking you were going to tell me he was satisfying your intellectual curiosity.”

“And that, too,” I said with a sniff.

She looked at me the way my mom used to when the rocky road ice cream seemed to have disappeared and there was a smear of chocolate across my cheek: “But, I didn’t have any ice cream, Mom, I swear!”

But, is it so bad to stay in a relationship for
Chris and I genuinely liked each other, we were monogamous (so it was safe), and we were digging each other sexually even if I didn’t find him all that engaging (which is odd because someone who’s that good in bed usually has a big case of  BDS). No one was pretending it was going to lead
to some happily-ever-after future — although there was no way to know that in the beginning. It was
kind of like a prolonged booty call but with a little more intimacy and more comfortable.

Not all relationships are created equal. Sometimes, we’re not looking for emotional intimacy — we just want companionship. Or passion.

I don’t think it would be right to stay in a relationship in which one person thought it was going to lead to happy-ever-after; that’s being dishonest.

But, is it dishonest to hang around just because he knows how to get you off?

And is that any better or worse than staying in a relationship that offers you a lot of other nice things except great sex (a dilemma Lance of Honey and Lance has blogged about and to which dating pro Evan Marc Katz advised that there’s always a trade-off)?

You can actually learn how to be a better lover; it isn’t quite that easy to learn how to be less of a bore.

  • Ever stay in a relationship just for the sex?
  • Ever stay in a relationship even though the sex wasn’t great?

Other ramblings about sex (you know you want it):

It’s the end of the world as we know it

I’m digging those good vibrations

Let’s get it on, but when?

Photo © denisphoto –

Bring on the comments

  1. Date Chat says:

    Kat Wilder » When you're just in it for the sex: And is that any better or worse than staying in a relationship th…

  2. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    I’ve had some great sexual relationships! A former girlfriend and I did that for a year after breaking up. We knew the relationship was going nowhere, but the sex was great.

    I’ve also had some not-so-great sexual relationships, but when the alternative is no sex at all, it’s still tempting to keep it going… at least for one more hookup.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog ..Blind Date in a Camper Truck =-.

  3. Don says:

    I’ve had great sexual partners throughout the years. I’ve also had some not-so-great partners as well. Sex is addictive and hard to go without. Even bad sex is sex and better than none, however.
    I had a journalist girlfriend that was intellectually engaging and I loved talking to her, but the sex was only so so… we didn’t make it together. There were other factors involved, but I know I need to desire my partner in life physically. The journalist loved having sex and wanted to constantly, but I found myself feeling like a piece of meat after awhile.
    I’ve had ‘friends with benefits’ and that was a great way to spend time when out of a relationship and also a no rules way for both of us to ‘get some’, but eventually we all are seeking a lifemate, and it ultimately is unfulfilling.
    The best sex is when you are in love with someone and totally enamored with them. There is nothing like it. You both need to communicate what feels good and elaborate on the information provided as well. Sex is like anything else….if you practice at getting better, you can. I am quite comfortable in my abilities, however, I’m at a point in my life that I seek being in love.
    I can sleep with however many women as possible, but know that for me and where I’m at in my life, I would be happier in a sexual relationship based on love…
    .-= Don´s last blog ..‘Wastin Away’ in Beaver Creek… =-.

  4. Kat Wilder says:

    Dads — Yes, we’re always hopeful for one more … Although, I don’t know; sex by yourself can be better than lousy sex with someone else.

    Don — maybe the journalist ex wanted sex all the time so she could get … better? You’re he first guy I’ve ever heard say that you felt like a piece of meat; women tend to feel like that. Are there many guys who feel meat-ish?

  5. Don says:

    Her major problem…which I don’t think could be fixed…and I guess there could be worse problems than this…was that she was very multi-orgasmic and like to announce when it was happening.(like 15 times n a row at least.) At first it was flattering, but after awhile it should be my turn, right?…Well, the yelling was so much that it distracted me from being able to, and that was highly annoying after a few months.

    So, yes, after awhile I began to feel like a piece of meat who was getting cheated out of his turn…
    .-= Don´s last blog ..‘Wastin Away’ in Beaver Creek… =-.

  6. Don says:

    Her only problem…if you want to call it a problem…was that she was multi-orgasmic. (I mean like 15 times n a row) She also liked to announce loudly when this happened.
    Though I was flattered at first, I felt like it should be MY turn after awhile. She yelled so loudly I would become distracted and every time I was almost there, another loud announcement was echoing in my ear!

    After many months of this, yes, I began feeling like a piece of meat who had lost his turn…

  7. Don says:

    ok….my computer crashed and i didn’t think the first comment went thru….but you get the jist of the story either way…

  8. QTMama says:

    While I don’t agree with Don’s comment of “Even bad sex is sex and better than none, however.” (and not sure he does either after reading his comment! *Laugh*) I have stayed in a “relationship” because the sex was great. But we both knew it wasn’t going anywhere, so when it was over, it was with happiness for the other. And sadness cuz the great sex was gone. Bah.
    .-= QTMama´s last blog ..The Tale of the Scary Two Toothbrushes =-.

  9. Steve says:

    I could go for being used for sex for a while.

    Seriously, if both people know what is going on there is no problem.

    Kat, people can learn to become unboring too.
    Going to see shows, taking a class, reading etc.

  10. brian says:

    You can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    You can’t always get what you want
    But if you try some
    You might just find
    You get what you need

  11. Lance says:

    I’ve stayed in a relationship for great sex several times, some for more than a year. Great sex is VERY hard to find. The more girls I date, the more I realize it. I am hugely conflicted about this, but I think fantastic sex is *slightly* more valuable than a fantastic relationship. I would go with the great-sex/mediocre-LTR over the boring-sex/great-LTR at this point in my life. Also, I think great sex is extraordinarily difficult to learn or teach.

  12. mvgrl says:

    love the Rolling Stones quote from Brian!!
    I went out with a guy for about a year, we got along great and had some fun times, but the sex was the best!! non-stop everywhere and anywhere..we both knew that our relationship was not for the long run, but it was fun while it lasted..I had to dump him after he started drinking again..but now sober again..
    Damm girl, now you got me thinking..should I call him for a “cheap and cheerful” rumpus??
    why not..

  13. vincent says:

    Sex can be so much fun and connecting and for me sex is usually better with connection and affection. My first ever girlfriend BB from 11th grade and I had the best sex for so many years even when we weren’t dating and we’re still best friends 26 years later now and love each other and don’t have sex anymore. I definitely prefer sex with someone I love and there are many degrees and different kinds of love. My meditation teacher shows me that love is everywhere and we’re all connected and love connection and holding hands can be as good or better than sex too. I had a date recently with this awesome scientist and instead of trying to kiss her on the first date, she drove me in her race care and I held hands with her and that was super sexy to me too.

  14. Lance,

    You will reap what you sow, my friend, if you believe that great sex is more valuable than a great relationship. I’m not teasing you; just pointing out that 95% of the time, you’re NOT having sex, which is why valuing it slightly more than the relationship may be a foolhardy long term proposition. No one wants to ‘settle’ on anything; I just think that valuing sex above a relationship is sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy.


  15. Kat Wilder says:

    QT Mama — well, I sure hope you found great sex again!

    Steve — I don’t think people can learn to be “unboring.” Going through the motions isn’t quite the same as feeling comfortable, happy and engaged in things you really aren’t comfortable in. Nor can someone with no sense of humor get one easily.

    Brain — Damn you Stones! You’re right!

    MVgrl — Call him for a booty call? Maybe. Be careful not to get, uh, sucked in …. 😉

    Lance — Well, I’ll agree with the good Mr. Katz here; a mediocre relationship is not fulfilling even if the sex is hot. And, I’m not saying great sex can be taught; however, a woman can learn to feel a lot more relaxed about her body, which will help her get over whatever hangups she has about it. That sets the stage for exploration, and exploration sets the stage for becoming a better lover.

    Vincent — Yes, sex with someone we love is wonderful, but you can certainly have off-the-chart sex with someone you barely know. I don’t agree that “holding hands can be as good or better than sex too.” Holding hands affects us on a chemical level, releasing oxytocin and all those other things that make us feel warm and fuzzy. That may be sexy, but it sure ain’t sex!

    Evan — Wait, 95% of the time, you’re NOT having sex ? How can we change that up? 😉

  16. Lance says:

    EMK and Kat, I have to disagree. I probably shouldn’t have said mediocre when I really meant “decent, good, or solid.” A solid LTR + great sex is preferable at this point to a great LTR + lousy sex. I think it’s easier to develop a solid LTR into a good one, even a great one, versus improving the sex to great.

    Also, Kat, sex is more than just relaxation. Much of it are your values and psychological makeup, and that’s next to impossible to change.
    .-= Lance´s last blog ..A Chick Bailed On Me For Another Dude And Then I Ditched A Chick Because She Talked Too Much =-.

  17. SF says:

    What is BDS (sorry but I don’t know)!

  18. Kat Wilder says:

    BDS — Big Dick Syndrome.
    If you have to ask …. (just kidding!)

  19. When you’re just in it for the sex @castellani @FlashMobYoga #Yoganomics #Bloganomics

  20. Anderson says:

    it is important that you figure out soon what you want from a relationship.

  21. radu says:

    well, it’s late but, I was just reading about guys feeling as a piece of meat. I got the same feeling when a long term relationship was about the end, the feelings went away however sex was still amazing (as it had been from the beginning). I remember I started feeling really bad even though her reactions didn’t – at least apparently – changed at all. Then I had other relations, I remember once with a girl – a “one night”, I could pleasure her but for me it was all “mechanical” and I couldn’t came. She was even frustrated because of that. But what did strike me most, is that when she came (it was quite strong) she covered her eyes with one hand and she refused to look at me. I felt awful. I think there’s no place for lies in this.

  22. Kat Wilder says:

    radu — I think we all struggle with keeping certain aspects of a relationship alive while we know it’s dying. It would be nice if we could strip away the awkwardness, and just acknowledge that, yes, we once loved this person and, yes, now we feel differently, but it doesn’t diminish what once was — you know?