The tragedy of getting what we want
Mia called me but I could barely make out what she was saying; she was so excited she was practically tripping over her words.
“Mia, slow down and tell me what happened.”
“I got a promotion!”
“That’s so awesome! Of course, it was looong overdue. Let’s go celebrate!”
And we did.
Fast forward a year, and Mia hates her job. She’d finally gotten where so wanted to be, only to discover that it really wasn’t what she wanted at all. And, now she feels stuck — and unhappy.
“There are two tragedies in life,” George Bernard Shaw once wrote.
“One is not to get your heart’s desire. The
other is to get it.“ 
Well, that makes everything simple …
But, I know what he’s saying. We wish on pennies (oh, OK, I do) and work hard for something — the CEO spot, the hottie, the perfect house — and then when we get it, we think, is that it? We spend money, time and energy trying to find Mr. Right, plan the most amazing wedding and honeymoon, and then x-number of years of living with the man we
said we’d love til death do we part is a walking list of irreconcilable differences. Then we get divorced, and immediately start looking for someone new to re-create some version of
what we just got out of.
Why are we often unhappy when we get what we want?
OK, maybe we’re wanting the wrong things. But, most of the time, it’s because of something in us. How many celebs, people “who have it all,” live totally dysfunctional lives or OD on drugs, intentionally or not? How many people multimillion lottery winners end up destitute or messed up?
As someone who hasn’t had the chance for that kind of fame and fortune, I say — hey, try me! I’m pretty sure I could do better.
Although, once we’re a success, we often feel we don’t deserve it. And a lot of times, we trip ourselves up along the way, fearful that we’ll actually get it, and then what?
It’s the same with relationships; we often self-sabotage by carrying baggage overflowing with fear and bad behaviors into a new relationship. Well, if it didn’t create a healthy relationship in the past, why do we think it will in the future?
There’s one constant in all our problems in life — we’re there when they happen.
If you think of success as power — and many people take that to an extreme level — then what Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, is true: “With great power comes great responsibility.”
The hard work doesn’t end once we get something; actually, that’s when it all begins.
- What have you worked hard to get and ended up unhappy with?
- Has something you didn’t want turn out to be something great?
- If you “had it all,” would you be happy?
- Do you self-sabotage relationships?
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Twitter: BigLittleWolf
says:
This is an interesting topic – and related to so many other issues, not the least of which is how much our sense of self / self-esteem is predicated on “what we do” or the trappings of how others see us (the perfect spouse, the perfect home, the perfect kids, the perfect job title).
Part of the dilemma is the way in which we define success. Part of it is in not carefully assessing the choices/goals we set. Some of it is the unknown – we cannot possibly know what something is like (spouse, marriage, new neighborhood, new job) until we live it.
And some of it is human nature. We aspire. We grow. We conquer one obstacle and wish to challenge ourselves to another.
I don’t think “have it all” exists. Not really. As for those who seem to “have it all” – to those of us who are struggling with “have very little” – we have no way of knowing what goes on inside their pretty homes, pretty jobs, pretty relationships. We have only the outsider’s view.
That said, there are people who are happy. Life is a roller coaster of good days and bad, good moments and difficult ones. Some have better luck than others. Some make better choices. It’s life.
Twitter: tsquest
says:
Uh huh. Yep. I’ve written about this a few times myself.
I watched the PBS special on The Buddha over the weekend. The Buddha discovered that all human suffering is based on desire. Why does suffering cause desire? Because we are NEVER satisfied. The only was to be satisfied, to find that heavenly joy, is to be present in the now and find gratitude there.
I’m doing my best to appreciate where life takes me. I can aim and struggle and wish and plead for what I want. Past experience, however, keeps proving that sometimes, I do not know my own best interests.
.-= T´s last blog ..Anger Management =-.
Twitter: tsquest
says:
Grrr… too many typos!
I meant to say: Why does DESIRE cause SUFFERING? And the only WAY to be satisfied is to be present…
You get me, right?
.-= T´s last blog ..Anger Management =-.
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
The Buddhists say that nothing in life has any meaning. The purpose of life is to be happy. The path to happiness is giving love through compassion.
.-= dadshouse´s last blog ..BFD, Sublime, and My Teen Daughter =-.
That’s really because we are far more process-orinted than goal-oriented. The joy of anticipation far exceeds the joy of reaching the goal. Once you reach a goal, our mind is set onto the next greatest thing.
There was an article on NY Times recently that anticipation of a vacation brought far more happiness than a vacation itself. Once we achieve or obtain something, its novelty wears off quickly and we are hungry for more.
Such a behaviour is no different from courtship, too. The thrill of the first date, first kiss, first (unmentionable) indeed seems far greater than the comfort of a long-term relationship. Most of us are simply all wired that way, and that helped us survive as a specie.
Of course, the biggest tragedy is attaining something, then losing it. That’s when you really appreciate what you’ve lost.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
Look what I found – Kat Wilder » The tragedy of getting what we want http://bit.ly/9ksacl
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
#pleasetellmewhy once we get what we want, we're miserable. http://tinyurl.com/24e8qxa
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
T — I get you, indeed! You are one of the most spiritually focused, insightful bloggers I read, always seeking a way to be better, stronger. I refuse to believe that being never satisfied is the human condition; I think that’s a very modern American condition.
Dad — And Buddha is smart. First, we must give that love and compassion to ourselves, right?
Ken — Yeah, I guess we are wired in weird ways. So that means the cavemen (and women) experienced that, too. But since they also had a lot of other stuff to worry about — like finding food and shelter, and not being eaten or clubbed to death — I imagine they didn’t navel gaze as much as we do. Maybe we need “more important things” to think about — oh, like, world hunger, global warming, pollution, war, homelessness, our woeful state of education …
I don’t want to only appreciate something once I’ve lost it; my poor kid, friends, family and BF have to hear me tell them daily how much I love and appreciate them. It’s annoying, perhaps but, too bad!
“What is the path?” the student asks the Zen Master. “Everyday life is the path.” he answered.
Zen philosophy is based on simplifying life and learning to be happy with the simple, beautiful world around us…to be able to appreciate things as they are. “We cannot see our reflection in running water. It is only in still water that we can see.”
If we all slowed down a bit and turn our music, tv’s, and computers off, we might all learn to get in touch with ourselves and find true happiness within.
.-= Don´s last blog ..Stormy weather… =-.
Funny you should say all this Kat, because I JUST wrote about something that is related.
I said, having been a former teacher, that high school students are the most hopeful (and self-satisfied) beings on the planet because they are future-oriented. They aren’t stuck with ‘now.’ Well they are, but they don’t know it.
Pretty much everything I get is fraught with ‘that’s it?’thoughts. But I can live with it. Change of some sort always happens.
.-= Greta Koenigin´s last blog ..The Reinvention Of Reinvention =-.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
The path to enlightenment is happening here… http://tinyurl.com/24e8qxa