She hit him so he must have deserved it
“You know,” Sara to me as watched taped snippets of the Masters on the bar TV, “I’m kinda regaining a certain respect for Tiger.”
“You have got to be kidding me.”
“No, actually not.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re buying the spin at his press conference or that calculated Nike ad, are you?”
“Of course not! I just like the fact that he’s never ratted on Elin.”
“Meaning?”
“He protected her.” 
“You mean he denies that she hit him?”
“Right.”
“And that’s good?”
“Well …”
“What if she denied he hit her? Would that
be good?”
Sara was silent.
But I know what most of us would say — no,
that wouldn’t be OK. We wouldn’t believe her, anyway. We know men hit women.
But is it OK if a woman hits a man?
I am not a violent woman, or so I believed And yet, when I first discovered Rob’s affair, I absolutely lost it — just like I imagine Elin did. And I hit him. Not hard because, honestly, I didn’t even have the strength, I was crying so hard. But I wanted to hurt him — just like he’d hurt me.
It was the first — and last — time I hit a man, but it still scares the crap out of me to think I was able to do that. It was a “crime of passion” as so many relationship crimes are. Sadly, there’s often a gun in the house, too, and we all know where that leads. Still, I make no excuses for it; I did it, I have to live with it, I have learned from it.
But as a society we seem to be much more OK with a woman hitting a man than a man hitting a woman — why?
And why does it seem noble that a man would protect a woman, as Tiger supposedly is protecting Elin? Many men don’t want to admit that they’ve been abused; after all, they’re supposed to be the stronger sex. What would it feel like to admit that you’d been smacked by your 5-foot-2, 100-pound sweetie? That’s why many men don’t talk about it. That’s why you don’t see fundraisers for abused men shelters. But it doesn’t make it any less real.
If we’re seeking equality between the sexes, then abuse should be treated equally, no matter which sex is the one doing the hurting. A man protecting a woman wouldn’t be seen as a good thing, and we wouldn’t think, as most of us do, that a woman abusing a man means he somehow deserved it.
- Have you ever hit your partner?
- Have you ever been hit?
- Do you react differently if you see a woman abusing a man than the other way around?
More ramblings on abuse:
Who’s a better parent, a liar or an abuser?
![[Valid RSS]](valid-rss.png "Validate my RSS feed")
Twitter: mobilene
says:
I have been smacked around by my 5’2″, 100-pound (now ex-)sweetie. It was humiliating, and it took me a long time to get over it. But I still can’t resolve in my mind whether or not I wish she had been bigger and stronger so her punches would at least have left bruises — part of me says yes, it would have given me leverage to go to the police; part of me says no, who wants to be hurt that badly and I was too ashamed to go to the police anyway.
Did I “deserve” it? Well, I created my own share of serious problems in the relationship. But two wrongs don’t make a right.
Haven’t thought about this for a long time.. but I had a girlfriend that was bipolar and at one point, she was in such a depression, that I moved from the bedroom we shared to the guest bedroom. One night, I was asleep and was awakened when a full length mirror was being broken over my back. I was shocked, jumped up and she tried to attack me, she wasn’t a small woman, 5′-7″ 145lb. and she was out of her mind. I grabbed her by the arms and held her against the wall, she was screaming and trying to hit me. I shoved her out the door and into the other bedroom and held her down. She finally realized she wasn’t going to win the struggle and calmed down. I grabbed a few things and left and only went back to gather my stuff the next day while she was at work.
I hit my sister when she beat me with a jump rope when I was 9 and my father promptly beat the crap out of me with his belt. I’ve never struck a woman since. I don’t believe women have the right to strike men either. If Tiger had struck his wife, he would be in jail right now, even if she didn’t report him. She doesn’t have to report him for him to be arrested. It seems that the world holds a double standard when it comes to abuse. BTW, he also would be looking at 10+ years in Prison for striking her with a golf club….
Twitter: tsquest
says:
Wow, KC, wow. Really?
And Kat, I know exactly what you mean about hitting Rob. When I found out about my ex’s affair, I would actually have to sleep in the other room because I could imagine stabbing him to death. I mean… it was scaring me because I could actually feel it, hear it, see it… eesh. Rage does funny things to a person.
I haven’t thought about it this way but yes, I agree. Abuse is abuse, either way.
.-= T´s last blog ..My Sexuality, part 5 =-.
I know a lot about this. Do research. Google Domestic Violence. In CA, when police are called to a domestic violence case, no matter what, and I mean no matter what, an arrest has to be made, whether the spouse recounts, lies, what have you, once 911 is called, it is out of the hands of the couple and into the hands of the state. No matter what. Cops can be charged with a misdimeanor if something happens down the line, and an arrest was not made. Peoples lives are being ruined. Anyone can be falsey accused of a crime, even if they are innocent, and it is happening more and more. Advocates are expressing the need for lineance (sp) since the innocent are getting arrested, and politicians and judges and the such are arguing for stricter laws. It doesn’t matter if the male is arrested, has to pay rent, feed the kids, nothing. There are two sides to every story, and people are being falsey accused of crimes. There are tons of women in the past years ago who have smacked their spouses but today, if cops are called in CA, they will be arrested no matter what. Google all this. I know for sure.
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
I have never hit a woman. I did have one girlfriend who easily lost her temper, and she would hit me or throw things at me. I didn’t like it, but I knew she was just mimicking her parents’ who used to hit each other. (There was a lot of history in her family)
As for Tiger and Elin – I don’t think it’s okay for her to hit him. If she wants to vent, break some shit. But don’t take it out physically on your spouse.
.-= dadshouse´s last blog ..Kissing and Cooking – Which Really Lasts? =-.
My first wife used to get really physical. I had to call the cops several times. After a years worth of legal fighting, I got permanent custody of our son. I never touched her in all this time, and it’s a good thing, because ther police explained to me how things went down in DV cases- if it’s the man hitting, he goes to jail. If it’s the woman, well, then, it’s up for grabs. Anyway- nobody should be hitting anyone, period. When you engage in physical violence, you cross a line that once crossed, can’t be stepped back on.
Women and men- don’t hit your loved one. Men- if she hits you, man up, in the sense that you say “this is unacceptable, and I’m going to do something about it”. Don’t hit her back- dump her. Take her to court, if need be. Fight for your rights as a father, and exercise that same responsibility.
Don’t stay with an abuser, anyone.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
If she smacks him, did he "deserve" it? http://tinyurl.com/y4lvz4w
I’ve written before that I think there is a double standard in regards to women hitting men. One of the things that turned me off of feminists (not legal equality, respect, smart women ) in college was how much energy they put into vilifying men and claiming that “feminism is for everybody” but they would be myopic to this double standard…or see it and not care.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Facebook == The New Blow Off ? =-.
I went through a lot of bullshit as a kid that created strong values in me.
If I can’t stay rational in an argument I leave, walk it off and come back later.
I never hit, but I do hit back.
If someone can’t have a disagreement with me without being abusive, verbally or otherwise the relationship is over on the spot.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Facebook == The New Blow Off ? =-.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Jim — I am sorry to hear that, and I am sorry you felt ashamed. My title, BTW, is me being facetious — hope you realize that. No one “deserves” to be abused.
KC — well, that sucks. I do put people who live with mental illness in a different category, though. None of us who don’t have bipolar or depression or ADD — the whole lot — can know what it’s like. I tend to have compassion. Still, if the person isn’t take care of it through whatever means — therapy, drugs, both — then that’s different. Can’t live with your head in the sand.
T — That was smart of you. I did that; the smack was at the exact moment of recognition of reality. The aftermath was sad and painful, but nonviolent.
SF — It’s good to know that if the cops are called, a report is filed. However, if a man (or woman) doesn’t report it — and many men, at least, don’t — then there’s nothing.
Dads — so, are you excusing her for her “long history”? I hope not. I know patterns are extremely hard to break. But to continue a pattern of abuse or alcoholism and have that be OK is, well, not OK.
Brian — Couldn’t agree more: When you engage in physical violence, you cross a line that once crossed, can’t be stepped back on. Period.
Steve — Exactly — there is a double standard (did you click on the YouTube link?) Until we, as a society, talk about that openly, it will continue.
Yes.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Facebook == The New Blow Off ? =-.
I don’t think men would be embarrassed by spousal abuse as there is the cultural chastisement from child hood “What? You are going to hit a girl?”.
Then again I’ve never been hit by a woman outside of my childhood or a karate class.
The comments I read here made me think that Kat is right that guys should speak up as they could end up holding the financial and legal bag.
For example, a small, maladjusted/violent spouse hits a man many times, he hits her once to stop it, she gets a mark, she goes to the police, she lies, the police/courts automatically take her side, etc.
.-= Steve´s last blog ..Facebook == The New Blow Off ? =-.
I have never hit a woman and never would. I was raised to protect women and any sign of a man getting physical with his woman in front of me will cause me to react.
I do not believe in violence unless it is absolutely necessary to protect yourself or someone else….and teach my children the same principals.
.-= Don´s last blog ..Life on a Boat… =-.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
She hit him so he must have deserved it http://bit.ly/c1RgzV #YogaDigg #Yoganomics