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I know I’m faking it; does he?

Posted on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, love, Relationships, Self image, Sex/sexuality

“You know,” Sara said in between sips of her latte the other morning, “words are pretty powerful.”

“That’s rather random, ” I said. “What are you getting at?”

“I mean, there are certain phrases that can cause a lot of anxiety, even if they’re, like, nothing more than two or three words.”

“Oh sure, like, ‘I love you‘ blurted out at the wrong moment.”

“Or, ‘Do you love me?'”

“Right. And, ‘I’m pregnant.'”

“We need to talk.”

I need some space.”

“And a guy’s favorite, ‘”What are you thinking?'”

“Let’s not forget, ‘Did you come?'”    

“Ohh, that’s a toughie.”

“Why? It’s not exactly a trick question, Sara. It’s either yes or no; just like you can’t be a little bit pregnant, you can’t get a little off.”

“But, who’s going to say, ‘no’?”

“I do! Because, what if you don’t?”

“Then you fake it.”

“Oh, you mean lie.

“That’s one of those white lies that hurts no one,” Sara sniffed.

I’m not so sure about that. In the moment, sure, everyone’s saving face. But is it so devastating
to not have an orgasm that we have to fake it?

Isn’t it better to let our partner know — in a loving way of course — that it just wasn’t happening for
us this time, and that you’ll happily take a rain check? What guy will get upset if you say, “Just let me finish myself off; you can watch”?

Not to say I haven’t faked my share … in the past. I’ve faked orgasms because I’ve been insecure, or lazy, or distracted, or it was courtesy sex or I just wasn’t into the relationship enough to care. Now, I
value honesty more.

If you’re in a loving relationship, isn’t it better to be honest about everything — even the hard stuff — so you can work together to make it better?

Of course, who really knows if your partner’s faking an orgasm? (and, sorry guys, but all that moaning and groaning isn’t a guarantee)

Hugo M. Mialon does. The economics professor at Emory University who normally tackles “The economics of the Bill of Rights” and torture and such takes on deception in sex in “The economics of faking ecstasy.”

Using that scene in “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally says all women have faked orgasms and Harry says “not with me” — yet another clueless guy who believes that  — as a starting point, Mialon discovers some interesting realities:

  • If we believe our partners can tell if we’re faking, we’re significantly less likely to fake it than those who believe our partners can’t tell
  • Men who are closer to age 18 are less likely to fake than older guys (Yes, men can fake it!)
  • The greater our demand for togetherness, the more likely we are to fake it
  • Gals who are closer to age 30 are less likely to fake than older women (See?)
  • Women who care about their sweetie’s sexual pleasure are more likely to fake
  • The more educated we are, the more likely we are to fake it

Which totally validates a cougar’s perspective on things — older women should have sex with younger guys because neither will be lying about getting off!

I was never in a whiz in economics, but this kind of math I can understand!

  • So, have you faked an orgasm?
  • Have any of your partners past and present faked it?
  • Is it lying, or being loving?
  • If you’ve either faked it, or thought someone was faking it, how did you feel about it?
  • If your partner doesn’t come, how do you feel about it?

Photo © vgstudio –

Bring on the comments

  1. Mike says:

    Yes I’ve faked it. I’ve been on empty and women seem to take it more personal if a guy doesn’t orgasm. I’ve been more happier with women that I could be honest with and didn’t take it personally.

    I’m okay if my girl friend doesn’t orgasm if she is. I’ve been told enough times that it isn’t going to happen this time because of xyz to know its a mood thing.
    .-= Mike´s last blog ..Getting All Relaxed =-.

  2. Kat Wilder says:

    "Did you come?" and other worrisome questions …

  3. Kat Wilder says:

    Mike — I think we gals would react because we expect a guy will always come. And when a guy suddenly goes, uh, limp, we will almost always think it was something we did … or didn’t do (like wear garters or lingerie)

  4. Steve says:


    Right back at you. When women don’t have an orgasm a guy thinks it is his fault.

    All the more reason to be in a relationships with someone where you can talk it out and fix the problem, wherever it is.

  5. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    Why does orgasm have to be the goal? In tantric sex, it’s all about the experience of raising sexual energy, two spirits intertwining as one. When you release, it’s over. Don’t release, and it can go on and on and on…
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog and OKCupid Agree – You’re Better Off Meeting People In Real Life! =-.

  6. T
    Twitter: tsquest

    I’m with you on the valuing honesty thing. And sometimes, the simple act itself feels good to me and I don’t care whether or not I have an orgasm. I truly enjoy my partner’s pleasure!

    I see no reason to lie about it. If you lie, then your partner will never want to do anything more to help you achieve it. And then you’ll be feeling resentful.

    There’s no value in faking. At all.
    .-= T´s last blog ..Meeting halfway =-.

  7. amy says:

    never faked it. never will. if it’s not happening from what he’s doing, i help it along. or do without–no bit whoop.
    .-= amy´s last blog ..hi, how are you =-.

  8. William Belle
    Twitter: wqbelle

    Yep, I’ve faked it. Too tired, distracted, going to take too long. In the end, it’s not as important as the moment of shared intimacy.

    Sex: Men fake it too.
    “…a guy reaches the point where a lot of his satisfaction comes from what he can do for his partner instead of from his own orgasm…”