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Apr 30

(Single ladies) put a ring on it

Posted on Friday, April 30, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Honesty, love, Men, Relationships, Singles

Sara and I were leaving the movie theater when we bumped into a single mom we know casually through our kids and her long-time boyfriend.

There was the exchange of superficial pleasantries — ugh —and then they went on their way, and we went on ours.

“Uh, they didn’t mention anything but, did they get married?” I asked Sara.

“I don’t think so — why?”

“She had a gold band on her left hand ring finger. Did you see it?”

“Oh, that.”                   

“What does that mean, ‘oh, that‘?”

“It’s just some bling.”

“But, it’s on her wedding ring finger!”


“So, you don’t wear a ring that looks like a wedding band on that finger unless you’re married.”

“I think a woman should be able to wear bling wherever she damn well pleases!”

“Bling, sure. A band of gold? Not so sure.”

Sara gave me one of her silent teenage eye-roll “whatevers.” But, I’ve noticed a number of gals who are in committed relationships who wear rings on their left hand ring finger that look suspiciously like wedding bands.


Beside the fact that women like to wear jewelry because, well, we like jewelry. And in the past few years there’s been a huge push for gals to buy diamond rings for our right hand; you can guess who’s behind that.

But the fourth finger of your left hand is a finger that comes with a story — like, “I’m taken and if you ask me, I’ll tell you how we met and when we first said the L-word and where we went on our honeymoon and let me show you the pictures of our wedding!”

My guy friends tell me they always do a ring check; if there is a ring on that finger — any ring — they assume she’s taken. That may not stop them — and in some cases, it may be the perfect “Dangerous Liaisons” challenge  — but it’s one of those “understood” things.

We gals do the same; if we’re out and hoping to meet someone, we always look at a guy’s left hand. But since a lot of married men don’t wear wedding bands — or take them off when it seems “necessary” — and engaged men don’t wear engagement rings, it’s hard for us to know who’s taken and who’s not.

Maybe it’s hard for guys to tell, too.

I know some gals who wear fake engagement or wedding rings so they won’t be hassled in bars — or questioned at job interviews. As weird as that seems, it makes sense; I’ve done it once or twice myself.

But what’s the message if you’re in a committed relationship and wear a left-hand ring; most likely, your guy isn’t. Women are all too happy to show everyone, Look, I’m hooked up! while the men in those same relationships probably are just as happy to have people assume they’re not.

And, I wonder what the guys think about their gal wearing a pseudo-wedding ring. Do they see it as a subtle sort of pressure, or do they like the fact that their gal wants the world to know she’s unavailable?

  • Do you always do a ring check?
  • Gals, if you’re in a committed relationship, do you wear a ring on your left hand to tell men to bugger off?
  • Guys, if your SO wears a ring on her left hand, what do you think?

Photo © Isabelle Esselin –

Apr 28

Causing a little boobquake every day

Posted on Wednesday, April 28, 2010 in Happiness, Honesty, Men, Relationships, Self image

Mia and I hiked to the German Tourist Club for a beer and a spirited Scrabble game last weekend when we passed by a cute 30-something couple. The woman smiled at us, but the guy’s eyes went quickly from our faces to Mia’s chest.

The girl has a rack.

“Did you see that?”

“What?” she said, obliviously.   

“Sweetie, you just created a bit of a Boobquake on Mount Tam!”

“Oh, did he look at my tits? Whatever.”

I guess it is a “whatever” if that’s what people focus on all the time; I wouldn’t know, as life
has not given me my fair share of mammary action, let’s say.

I have no idea what it’s like to have men
stare at only a certain part of my anatomy.
Oh, men have sometimes stared in general and that’s obviously been quite nice — if I find him attractive, that is. Funny how we think he’s a creep if he’s not.

All girls discover the power of their breasts once they develop them — or not. Guys who never paid attention to you suddenly act, well, like boobs around you. Breasts have been behind many a middle school romance and many a middle school depression. The girls who develop early were the ones who either used their breasts to their advantage or who hated their body. We flat-chested girls watched in a mixture of awe, jealousy and gratitude.

I’ll never be able to enter a Pamela Anderson lookalike contest. I have accepted that. However, I have, thankfully, been rewarded with what used to be the most-ogled body part — a butt — before boobs muscled in to the No. 1 spot.

J.Lo and Beyonce helped us booty types regain a little of our stature, enough for butt cracks to be considered the new cleavage — although, honestly, those gals are working it from both sides.

I can’t say I’d be a happier person if I had bigger boobs, but you bet I love it when a certain bra or a shirt or some combination thereof gives me the appearance of actual cleavage (of course, in light of my recent wardrobe malfunction, sometimes being small works to one’s advantage).

And, fortunately, it hasn’t been an issue with the guys I’ve dated — because I wouldn’t have dated them in the first place, doh — although I’m sure none of them would have objected if they woke up one day and my boobs were magically, naturally, bigger (smaller? Hmm …).

Why are we so obsessed with breasts? I don’t know, but I look at them, too. It’s easy to tell the fake ones from the real — they’re so many of them around! So many men have said although they hate the feel of fake boobs, “They’re so nice to look at.”

Sure, I do my share of ogling men’s butts. As for a guy’s package, unless we go back to the days of the cock rockers, it’s like Vegas; you place your bets and pray. The truth is revealed once they’re naked. There aren’t any dick jobs … yet.

Ah, but here’s where we gals have it slightly over you guys — big dicks are not only nice to look at, but they feel good, too!

  • Where do you stand on boobs — big or small?
  • Are you a boobs or butts person?
  • If you’re a woman, do you wish you were bigger? Smaller?
  • What about fake boobs?
Apr 26

The tragedy of getting what we want

Posted on Monday, April 26, 2010 in Happiness, Relationships

Mia called me but I could barely make out what she was saying; she was so excited she was practically tripping over her words.

“Mia, slow down and tell me what happened.”

“I got a promotion!”

“That’s so awesome! Of course, it was looong overdue. Let’s go celebrate!”

And we did.

Fast forward a year, and Mia hates her job. She’d finally gotten where so wanted to be, only to discover that it really wasn’t what she wanted at all. And, now she feels stuck — and unhappy.

“There are two tragedies in life,” George Bernard Shaw once wrote.
“One is not to get your heart’s desire. The
other is to get it.

Well, that makes everything simple …

But, I know what he’s saying. We wish on pennies (oh, OK, I do) and work hard for something — the CEO spot, the hottie, the perfect house — and then when we get it, we think, is that it? We spend money, time and energy trying to find Mr. Right, plan the most amazing wedding and honeymoon, and then x-number of years of living with the man we
said we’d love til death do we part is a walking list of irreconcilable differences. Then we get divorced, and immediately start looking for someone new to re-create some version of
what we just got out of.

Why are we often unhappy when we get what we want?

OK, maybe we’re wanting the wrong things. But, most of the time, it’s because of something in us. How many celebs, people “who have it all,” live totally dysfunctional lives or OD on drugs, intentionally or not? How many people multimillion lottery winners end up destitute or messed up?

As someone who hasn’t had the chance for that kind of fame and fortune, I say — hey, try me! I’m pretty sure I could do better.

Although, once we’re a success, we often feel we don’t deserve it. And a lot of times, we trip ourselves up along the way, fearful that we’ll actually get it, and then what?

It’s the same with relationships; we often self-sabotage by carrying baggage overflowing with fear and bad behaviors into a new relationship. Well, if it didn’t create a healthy relationship in the past, why do we think it will in the future?

There’s one constant in all our problems in life — we’re there when they happen.

If you think of success as power — and many people take that to an extreme level — then what Uncle Ben tells Peter Parker, aka Spider-Man, is true: “With great power comes great responsibility.”

The hard work doesn’t end once we get something; actually, that’s when it all begins.

  • What have you worked hard to get and ended up unhappy with?
  • Has something you didn’t want turn out to be something great?
  • If you “had it all,” would you be happy?
  • Do you self-sabotage relationships?

Photo © Svetlana Tikhonova –