The end of the world as we know it
I’m not a big fan of those multibillion-dollar apocalyptic movies like “Doomsday” and “I Am Legend”; there’s just so may ways you can destroy the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty and Golden Gate Bridge without getting somewhat numb to it all.
Not to get all 2012 on you, but I do feel the apocalypse is coming, it’s just not going to be in the form of a comet smashing into the Earth, another Ice Age, a pandemic or an alien invasion. In fact, it isn’t going to destroy the world at all. It’s going to be a more personal apocalypse, just for us Homo sapiens.
And it’s going to come with just a whimper, certainly (if you read further) not a bang. From us.
We’re just going to stop having sex. 
Not me, mind you, but a lot of other people, the ones who should be having sex because they still can make babies (and thus populate the world).
I know it sounds weird, but there have been a few things in the news lately that have led me to this conclusion.
A few months ago, I read that quite a number of women in a survey said that fitting into their “skinny” jeans again would be better than having sex (this according to Special K, which sponsored the survey so, granted, it’s not entirely unbiased). Of course, they’d be able to fit into those jeans quicker if they had an energetic romp a few times a week, but whatever.
In any event, that shows you what a lot of women think about sex; not much, especially when those $125 pair of size 28 True Religion jeans look so friggin’ hot on!
Oh, but don’t go pointing your finger at the ladies. Guys aren’t stepping up to the sexual plate, either. In fact, most of the men who participated in the MALES study (that’s Men’s Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality) put having a satisfying sex life right up there with having “a nice home”; in other words, dead last (because have you ever been with a man who jumped at the chance to help pick out the living room curtains? No!). This from 27,839 men ages 20 to 75 in eight countries — a pretty broad selection. More important than sex was “being in good health” (OK, makes sense); “a harmonious family life” (ditto); and “good relationship with partner/wife” (which is great, but it would be a hell of a lot better if you were going down on her nightly; just an idea).
OK, but what does that have to do with the apocalypse, you might ask.
Not much, except some UC Berkeley researchers discovered that some freaky things have been happening to frogs. Like, gender confusion. Some frogs living in water contaminated by a common weed killer began acting weird: they hardly developed sperm, their testosterone levels were practically nil and they lost their mojo, forgetting to “sing” the calls that not only attracted the ladies to a personal party but also threw the stink-eye to their competitors.
In other words, they were becoming like manpurse-toting modern-day male novelists — too cool for sex.
And the few that, thankfully, didn’t had other, uh, interesting, results. They started to resemble post-op trannies, not only producing estrogen and developing female external reproductive organs, but acting like a cougar at happy hour, flirting with other other male frogs and even letting them fertilize their eggs (yes, the males had eggs).
Which grew into healthy frogs — male frogs.
OK, we’re not frogs, but there are parts of the country where the same levels of the herbicide — known as atrazine — are in our drinking water.
So — follow me here — a good portion of women would rather be skinny than have sex, and a good portion of men would rather be enjoying a lot of other emo things instead of banging their old lady. OK, that portion of the population can go over in a corner somewhere and have their genitals shrivel up. But if the rest of the guys who place sex a little higher than having a house straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog are drinking water, it’s likely they’ll either:
- become demasculinized or
- become feminized, and give birth to boys only
Who will either not be interested in sex, or will, as long as they can turn all girlie and let some guy do the nasty deed so they can have a nice little family of boys.
See where this is leading? It’s just like a Cormac McCarthy novel; it’s not going to end pretty.
I know that I obsess a bit about sex — who’s not having it, who’s having it but not enjoying it, who’s wanting it with me, etc. — but this time, I have a good reason.
So, if you want to save the planet, please start having more sex. No, girls, those jeans do not make your butt look fat. Yes, guys, you can place a pair of European overstuffed club chairs in a modern living room (just pay attention to the accessories).
And whatever you do, don’t drink the water!
Photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com
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Witty post. No danger of under-population though. In fact, quite the reverse:
From…
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
What’s a manpurse-toting modern-day male novelist?
I’m writing a novel, but I don’t tote a purse, so it’s not me. But I’m curious what one is?
.-= dadshouse´s last blog ..Bathroom Business =-.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Steve — I was talking about some future date, not right now. However, with so many people milling about, you would think it wouldn’t be so hard for singles to find someone to love!
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Dads — Men like Dave Eggers and Michael Chabon (you have to read the post). If you don’t want to be one of them, make sure your sex scenes are like Updike’s or Mailer’s —
Kat;
Don’t you know all of us singles are self centered narcissists?
“he felt his cashew become a banana, and then a rippled yam, bursting with weight.”
Reads more like a healthy dinner than a sex scene.
BTW, I lost about 48 lbs about 2 years ago. I cleaned out my closet and found an ancient pair of office pants I never thought I would wear again in my life. Putting them on felt wonderful.
Still straight and looking though
Ha! This post made me smile. =)
I would have considered this an extreme possibility about 7-8 months ago.
.-= Jenni´s last blog ..Part-Time Deadbeat =-.
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Steve — yes, but … were those pants better than sex? As for the self-centered narcissists, I know a few …
Jenni — thanks. Always happy to make someone smile. The world needs more of that, eh?
Damn, what were you smoking when you wrote this?
I, for one, will not be one of those women preferring skinny jeans over sex. Never.
@Dadshouse – I’m sure yours is not a man purse but a satchel.
.-= Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Men Think with their Penises & Women’s Hearts are in their Vaginas =-.
Thanks, Kat! I needed this funny post this morning. Now I’m going to put down my water and go have some sex!
Twitter: KatWilder
says:
Mindy — uh, I just think too much. Not always things that matter, but still …
Linda — You go, girl!
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
Having sex can stop the apocalypse. Really! http://katwilder.com/2010/03/the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it/
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
RT @KatWilder: Having sex can stop the apocalypse. Really! http://katwilder.com/2010/03/the-end-of-the-world-as-we-know-it/
Yeah, I’m with Steve. If everyone in the US stopped having sex, for years/ even forever? (Which yes, is impossible, BTW). Our population would still be increasing, due to immigration. Even with just illegal immigration, we’d still be growing.
Be that as it may, I’ll agree on the skinny jeans bit on the narcissistic tendencies there, (although I still think the survey is biased). But clicking though to read the blurb on the Psychology Today/ Males study? I really don’t see why there’s too many women in the US that would not want to cheer those results. No really. They sound, well very Un-apocalyptic indeed; and Adult, reasonable & responsible too! And sorry, having “a harmonious family life” & a “Good relationship with partner/wife” typically does precede & [Gasp!] sometimes supersedes the prototypical ‘satisfying sex life’. Especially if you’re married and/or partnered. Yes, I know that’s really difficult for many to comprehend. But it’s still true. Now folks who want to put their own sex life ahead of every other usual ‘family consideration’? Many are not long married for various reasons, and not just catering to their own selfish needs either. Sex is the glue in any relationship, true. But have you ever over glued something? Mostly? It does not work well at all. Not in models, chairs, tables or flooring.
No, you can likely can never have ‘too much sex’ as a singleton or even a young ‘unencumbered’ couple. But once the kids and/or greater responsibilities come along? That situation often just takes care of itself. Sad but true, your responsibilities to the whole will often out weigh your immediate sexual gratification. That might be the very disappointing definition of ‘married’ & ‘frustration’, but as adults we try and learn to cope and adapt to the new reality. That’s often at the foundation of a secure & successful family life too.
Yeah, I know, I’m over thinking the problem. Me? I think everyone else is under thinking the problems too. And yeah, Kat, you’re talking about Endocrine Disruptors:
http://www.niehs.nih.gov/health/topics/agents/endocrine/index.cfm
Of which BPA is one of the suspect agents, which is why you need to filter your water. http://www.berkeywater.com/
I do. I’d mention that part about the rich, satisfying so & so, but you’d think I was talking about desert. As for accessories? Barry Hannah thought his guns were fine decorator accessories. Whom am I to question such an authority? Cheers, ‘VJ’
On the late, great southern writer Barry Hannah: [In Garden & Gun]
http://gardenandgun.com/article/barry-hannahs-long-shadow
And yeah. Cogitate a bit on that strange marriage there. Garden. And Gun. Marriage. That’s why it exists.
And yes a prior comment here @ this post had 2 links and might be in your ‘other bin’. Cheers, ‘VJ’