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Can you be too pretty?

Posted on Monday, March 15, 2010 in dating, Relationships, Self image

It was such a beautiful day yesterday that Mia, Sara and I headed out on our bikes. We told ourselves that it was to get much-needed exercise but we ended up at Sam’s, and so really it was more about splitting some fried calamari, quaffing a beer and people watching.

Our calamari had just arrived when two gorgeous, busty blondes walked by and sat down by the bar.

All heads turned, including ours.    

“Man, I’d love to get me some of that action,” one of the 20-something guys at the table near us said as his buddies nodded in agreement.

And for the next half-hour, the women — actually, their breasts, their bods, their beauty and what it would be like to see them naked and in action — dominated that frat-boy table’s conversation.

“See,” Mia said. “This is why I don’t want to be beautiful.”

“But you are beautiful, silly.”

“You know what I mean. These guys and probably every other guy in this place are lusting after those two just because of their looks. And, you know what? They’re probably entitled bitchy snobs who get everything they want just because they’re so damn pretty.”

“Whoa, Mia: you’re sounding just as judgmental as the guys next to us; why shouldn’t people appreciate beauty?” I said.

“Oh, please! Those guys aren’t appreciating their beauty,” Sara said. “They’re objectifying it. They’re being crude and reducing them to sex objects.
Who wants that?”

“I’m totally OK with being a sex object; I mean, if I have to,” I joked.

But, not really.

Do I want people to think I’m beautiful and sexy? Sure. And funny and smart and kind and creative and  giving and …  There’s so much more to me than just the physical, after all.

But to hear it from the 10s of the world, being beautiful can be a drag. Other women are jealous of you, most guys objectify you, nice guys think you’re “out of their league” and so won’t approach you, and you’re a target for all sorts of creeps, pervs and rapists. Everyone judges you for your looks, and projects all sorts of crap on you, including how intelligent you may or may not be, and how sexually accomplished you may or may not be.

So, should we feel sorry for beautiful people?

I don’t think so. Attractive people make more money and have more opportunities than the rest of us, as numerous studies have proven. Hard to feel sorry for that.

Still, I can understand their frustrations about being objectified, but I also can understand the frustrations the rest of us have, too. If you’re not all that pretty — aka, you have a “nice personality” —  you have to have a lot of other stuff on the ball, like wits, smarts, humor, etc., and then hope someone can see through the plain wrapping to discover the gift inside.

But one thing the sort-of-pretty or not-so-pretty or just plain unattractive women thankfully don’t have to deal with is all the men who have paid big bucks to be trained by pick-up artists on how to land a hottie — the holy grail of dating. Being approached by men who have their game on has to be a drag; it’s not sincere.

Of course, being courted just because you’re unattractive, like “beauty-disadvantaged women” were a few years ago by the mayor of Mount Isa, a remote Australian mining town, has to be a drag, too.

  • All things being equal, would you rather be drop-dead gorgeous or not?
  • And, if not, where’s the cut-off — pretty, “nice personality” or Mount Isa-worthy?

Photo © Angelika Bentin –

Bring on the comments

  1. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    I dated a 10 once. Never will again. She had “beautiful woman syndrome”. She expected the world on a silver platter, and kept reminding me that if I didn’t provide it for her, there were plenty of other guys who would. I want a woman with me for me, not because she enjoys spending my money.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog ..My Man Boy Son =-.

  2. Edgar says:

    I’ve had similar experiences to David’s. In fact, a therapist that I used with a 9 from a few years back – whom I continued to see after the 9 decided not to continue in the dialogue – told me that I should really look at what attracts me to women with looks like hers. Because, in many cases (and certainly in my experience), such women have emotional problems that stem from the fact that they have never had to work much at making or maintaining connections or at meeting others’ needs.

    If Christie Brinkley gave up the high life and became Mother Theresa, I would really respect her. Rene Russo, Alexandra Paul and Angelina Jolie are strong advocates for good things, but are they as selfless as the Dalai Lama? Probably not. Nor am I, it’s true, but intellect and compassion have become more attractive to me than large breasts and blonde hair.

  3. Scott says:

    Kat yeah.. they have the “Im too good for you” syndrome a lot..then if you leave em alone they always complain “No one ever talks to me” so its a double lit candle.
    You’ve GOT to tell me what bars you hang out in I mean not the days you do..that would be kinda creepy and stalkerish..but you seem to go to the places where the beautiful people hang out. Keep up the good stuff!

  4. Don says:

    Dadshouse is right on the money. I have dated many beautiful women…they all wanted compliments and gifts, but were never there for the long haul. I, too, seek a woman who wants me…not for money and not even for my looks, but because they enjoy me for me. They will all figure out that beauty fades with time and that the rich guys out there will eventually want to trade them in for a newer model.
    .-= Don´s last blog ..The power of a child’s love… =-.

  5. Kat Wilder says:

    Dads — I wonder what the male equivalent of “beautiful woman syndrome” is; does it exist?

    Edgar — nice to see you here. “they have never had to work much at making or maintaining connections or at meeting others’ needs. And then they age, and, then what?

    Scott — Creepishness noted and discarded 😉 Like in real estate, BW sightings are location, location, location, and timing, perhaps.

    Don — So are you and Dad saying that the beautiful women only want men for their money? Are there any BW who don’t?

  6. KC says:

    Poor pretty women… (g)
    It’s pretty funny reading some of these comments… pretty people, women, are no different than any other person in the world except that they LOOK better… almost anyone can be “pretty” you just have to care about yourself, dress yourself, clean yourself, care about what you wear and be kind and polite to people. THOSE are the things that make people pretty. If your fat, lose weight. If your frowning all the time, smile. When a guy says hello to you, smile and say hello back.
    I’ve never dated an ugly person… but I’ve gone out with people that became ugly… and they were the prettiest people I’ve ever met. I’ve been married to a beautiful brunette but I’ve always been attracted to blondes… every time I meet a nice, pretty blonde.. I melt but some of the best times I’ve ever had were with brunettes… Long hair, short hair. Tall, short and lean, all women are approachable and most confident women are beautiful! Be confident and you’ll be beautiful to someone…

  7. Don says:

    Kat-yes, I am sure there are some out there that don’t. Where, I do not know, but there are probably some out there somewhere.
    .-= Don´s last blog ..The power of a child’s love… =-.

  8. Steve says:

    And for the next half-hour, the women — actually, their breasts, their bods, their beauty and what it would be like to see them naked and in action — dominated that frat-boy table’s conversation.

    Have you ever heard a group of girl-friends talk about an attractive man? 🙂


  9. Steve says:

    Edgar — nice to see you here. “they have never had to work much at making or maintaining connections or at meeting others’ needs. And then they age, and, then what?

    I’ll guess that by that point they have accumulated their own wealth via gifts and divorces from wealthier men, freeing them to enjoy the younger male versions of themselves who are now pursuing them for their money.

    Yuck, I sound negative.

    No skin off of my nose. I’m an average guy who enjoys the company of average women. It is all outside of my world

  10. brian says:

    Gee Kat
    Do you think they will be back this Sunday? 🙂

    Reminds me of the comment of a male co-worker years ago who said that given the choice of being born with money or good looks he would take the good looks cuz if he had good looks he could make good money

  11. Steve says:


    If you are born with money having good looks doesn’t matter(within reason) if you are a guy.

    I would rather be born with decent looks, a good brain and great parenting. Those people tend to get most of what they want and the best of all worlds.

  12. T
    Twitter: tsquest

    Well personally, I have a HUGE girl crush on you. Seriously from the time I met you and thought you were extremely sexy to the comments that you make on the blog, etc. Yes. Crush. On. YOU.

    Yes, there are women who are too beautiful and men who are too gorgeous. Great to look at but their beauty tends to deteriorate (most of the time) when their personality dulls it. Just in my experience.
    .-= T´s last blog .."Visit your heart and just breathe" =-.

  13. Nicole says:

    Didn’t realize blonde hair, big boobed beauties had such power over you poor defenseless men!
    Victims of “arm candy” I presume.

  14. Nicole says:

    So, I find it interesting that you have to be beauty to be a superficial gold digger. They don’t come average or even unattractive? Think again, Boys.

    Try INTEGRITY: it looks good on EVERYONE!

  15. Steve says:


    To look at things from the other side, there is no shortage of complaints from women on dating sites about having fallen for “chemistry” (code word for charisma, sex appeal — hey guys are just more honest ) only to discover that is all there was or the person was an ___ on top of it.

    Everybody falls for that.

    I think being an unattractive gold digger would be as difficult as being a short basketball player. It goes against the nature of the game. Rich men with a sweet tooth for arm candy are going to be looking for just that.

  16. Kat Wilder says:

    KC — yes, confidence is beautiful!

    Don — Just don’t get bitter in the meantime, OK?

    Steve — Yes, I have heard women talk about guys. No comment 😉 But, really, to hear you talk about women as just accumulating a man’s wealth … Wouldn’t a guy have something to say about that? Like, not fall for someone like that? Just sayin’

    Brian — It’s a fun place, hotties or not. Just go!

    T — I’m blushing!!!! If Sean ever dumps me, and your sweetie dumps you …And, you’re pretty hot yourself (and, you know, kind and smart and insightful and …)

    Nicole — Good question: can a gold digger be just plain attractive? Well, since beauty’s in the eye of the beholder, it would be hard to say, right? Guys?

  17. Steve says:


    When people are in “chemistry”(lust & charisma high – women), lust & charisma(men) or just plain lonely they don’t live by what they see with their heads.

    You are a dating blog author, you know that is an old story :).

    To be clear, I’m not referring to all women, just the “gold diggers”

  18. Do I want to be drop-dead gorgeous? Abso-freaking-lutely. Worshipped. I want to slay them all. HELL, yes. I like attention, and I’m just TIRED of people liking me for who I am.
    .-= Greta Koenigin´s last blog ..Birthday Party Planning CPR =-.

  19. VJ says:

    This came up in conversation recently. And the wife said, [I’ll quote directly]; ‘Well happily I’ve never had that problem!’ That’s my honey, plenty of integrity. About a good solid ‘average’ in the looks dept. Pretty much a damn genius in much of what counts here though. Which is about what we ordered, way back when. [Yes, Sears, why do you ask?] Cheers, ‘VJ’

  20. Kat Wilder says:

    Steve — True, none of us see reality in that phase; gets in the way of what we want!

    Greta — 😉 Yes, being appreciated for who we are is sooooo overrated!

    VJ — and I believe Sears offered the extended warranty for free back then … 😉

  21. Honey
    Twitter: honeyandlance

    I had a personal trainer that was gorgeous – he had the male equivalent. He was semi-smart, but totally self-absorbed and didn’t have a lot going on in the character department. I remember thinking (but not saying), well this works for you NOW because you’re 23, but what about when you’re 33? 43? Oh, wait, he’s a dude and will only get better looking. Frack. 🙂
    .-= Honey´s last blog ..This Sex Toy Costs $60K–Honey, Are You Listening? =-.