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Let’s get it on, but when?

Posted on Monday, February 1, 2010 in dating, Relationships, Sex/sexuality, Singles

“So, when are we going to have sex?”

This was a rather odd, random question coming from a man I’d only known for barely two hours. Well, that’s not entirely true: we “met” online, exchanged a few e-mails, met in person for a half-hour coffee meet, and now we were on our first date.

It was the kind of question that could elicit any of a number of emotions (flattery? anger? disgust?), a dramatic, sudden departure, perhaps even a slap in the face. And although I knew little about him, this much I knew: he had pretty impish
sense of humor. So I rolled with it.    

We did not have sex that night, but on our second date I knew that the next time
we got together, we would.

Yeah, it was our third date, but that wasn’t why. I don’t believe in such stupid dating restrictions as the three-date rule, etc. I’d have happily have screwed him on the first date of we were both feeling it. But, he was quirky and quite the nerd — yes, I’m talking about Ryan, the techie entrepreneur guy I dated for a little bit awhile back — and I just wasn’t sure about how I felt about him. So, I needed some time.

Which makes me wonder — how do we decide when’s the right time to have sex with someone?

Sometimes, I’m just so attracted to a
guy that I pretty much want to see him naked without even having to go out first. But, I also like the seduction: teasing, flirting, innuendos — the whole slow dance of courtship.

I’ve never had sex with a guy because I had to much to drink and my judgment was fuzzy — that’s stupid and dangerous — nor have I had a one-night stand or felt pressured to have sex because it was the legendary Third Date,  but I certainly have had courtesy sex as well as NSA sex. Sometimes, I’ve had sex on the first date; sometimes, we didn’t even make out by the fifth date, let alone have sex.

When you think about it, something like a third-date rule creates an artificial pressure on the couple — maybe one or the other isn’t sure (or was sure at first glance), but now a decision “must” be made, put out or risk ending the fledgling relationship. And I know a lot of relationship experts warn not to have sex early because the guy won’t think highly of you, to which I think if that’s how a guy is going to judge me, he’s probably not someone I want to be with anyway!

Not that I’m advocating for first-date sex, but I’m not saying it’s “bad,” either.

I know men and women feel differently about this. I’m not a guy — well, doh — but from what I’ve read/heard, guys always want to have sex. Some player-types probably expect — and get — sex on the first date, but my guess is that most men would like to have sex on the first date, but are still pretty surprised if they actually get it. Guys, please set me straight. For women, it’s — like so many other things about us — much more complicated.

  • So, how do you decide when to have sex for the first time with someone?
  • Is first date sex OK or not OK?
  • And what about that third-date rule? Silly, or not?

Photo © Aleksandar Todorovic – Fotolia.com

Bring on the comments

  1. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog
    says:

    I’m a guy, and I always want to have sex. If I don’t want to sleep with a woman that’s a major red flag. Lol. But just because I always want sex doesn’t mean I push for first date sex. There is a flirtation game. There’s also a sizing up that needs to be done. If I think there’s a chance for a lasting relationship, I hold back and let the woman dictate when the sex will happen. If it’s just lust, I go for the kill early and often.
    .-= dadshouse´s last blog ..Funny Condom Story =-.

  2. Steve says:

    NSA ??

    IMHO the assumptions and rules you mentioned seem to apply to a less mature age group.

    Beyond a certain age women are more established in some areas of their lives. They don’t have the same head trips and concerns about sex. Men have also seasoned and are less likely to judge a woman by when they have sex.

  3. Eric says:

    I’m a guy and I rarely want to have sex on the first date. Or the second. I just like to know someone a little better before getting naked. Which has led some of my dates to ask friends if I’m gay. (I assume I’d take my time going that way too.) And my reticence has led some dates to feel – and want to discuss – quite mixed emotions. They were ready to have to hold me off, then were a bit insulted when they didn’t have to. I have had my wild moments, but they’re the exception.

  4. Kat Wilder says:

    New blog posting, First date, third date — does it matter? – http://tinyurl.com/yz3xe85

  5. Jim Everson says:

    I can’t remember the last time I pursued first date sex and it doesn’t sound very appealing to me now either. And any woman who expressed interest in first date sex with me would be setting off a serious red flag in my book.

    I don’t know when the right time is. I suppose I could take the boring way out and just say “when it’s right.” But I will say that if two people continue to get together and nothing physical has happened by the fifth date, then you have seriously landed in the friend-zone and you are not likely to escape.

  6. Clip says:

    All women from Marin have one ‘MUST’ before
    they’d ever have sex with a man. That is MUST HAVE LOTS OF MONEY, or a trust fund, family money, property, ect.

  7. Jenni says:

    I don’t do the first date sex. My thing is, if we sleep together on the first date, then he got what he wanted – and he may decide he really doesn’t need to call again [and that just makes a chic feel like a piece of crap in general]. And for me, sex is an emotional thing – if I’m sleeping with you, it’s because I see that maybe one day there could be a future.

    Usually on the second or third date is when I’ll let it happen.
    .-= Jenni´s last blog ..Letting the ‘Old Flame’ Die =-.

  8. Mark says:

    I remember in college that I didn’t force the issue of sex onto my then girlfriend until I thought we were both ready. My male friends made fun of me for being way too prudish. I still feel the same way about sex. First date, second date, third date. Doesn’t matter. You both will know when or it won’t seem right. BTW, third date rule is so 1965!

  9. Kat Wilder says:

    Dads — OK, so if the women “dictates” that the “sex will happen” on Date No. 1, is that OK?

    Steve — Oh dear, as much as I want to agree that past a certain age women don’t ‘have the same head trips and concerns about sex,” I will have to disagree. They (well, many of them) do. Trust me. We just can’t get past the way things have changed since when we were in our 20s.

    Eric — Yes, well, welcome to a woman’s world. It can be so confusing that, yes, we are repulsed if a man tries to be all playa on us, yet feel “insulted” if a guy doesn’t at least try; doesn’t he know how hot I am? I feel sorry for men sometimes …

    Jim — I agree; fifth date and no desire to exchange bodily fluids and it can’t possibly be good. But, when you say “any woman who expressed interest in first date sex with me would be setting off a serious red flag,” does that mean she’d be sending off red flags if you both felt that way, or only if she was making the moves?

    Clip — Hmm, methinks you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Any time someone speaks in absolutes — “always, “never,” etc. — that’s a big red flag for me. Maybe you’re just trying to hit up the wrong women. Could that be?

    Jenni — I never think anyone should sleep with someone else if it’s not feeling OK. However, saying something like “if we sleep together on the first date, then he got what he wanted” makes me wonder — could it be that the woman also got what she wanted? Why are men the heavy here?

    Mark — That was rather progressive of you; every boy I knew in high school at least tried. Can’t tell you how many time si heard, “You would if you loved me.” Ah yes, guilt always works …

  10. Kat Wilder says:

    Dads — OK, so if the women “dictates” that the “sex will happen” on Date No. 1, is that OK?

    Steve — Oh dear, as much as I want to agree that past a certain age women don’t ‘have the same head trips and concerns about sex,” I will have to disagree. They (well, many of them) do. Trust me. We just can’t get past the way things have changed since when we were in our 20s.

    Eric — Yes, well, welcome to a woman’s world. It can be so confusing that, yes, we are repulsed if a man tries to be all playa on us, yet feel “insulted” if a guy doesn’t at least try; doesn’t he know how hot I am? I feel sorry for men sometimes …

    Jim — I agree; fifth date and no desire to exchange bodily fluids and it can’t possibly be good. But, when you say “any woman who expressed interest in first date sex with me would be setting off a serious red flag,” does that mean she’d be sending off red flags if you both felt that way, or only if she was making the moves?

    Clip — Hmm, methinks you have a huge chip on your shoulder. Any time someone speaks in absolutes — “always, “never,” etc. — that’s a big red flag for me. Maybe you’re just trying to hit up the wrong women. Could that be?

    Jenni — I never think anyone should sleep with someone else if it’s not feeling OK. However, saying something like “if we sleep together on the first date, then he got what he wanted” makes me wonder — could it be that the woman also got what she wanted? Why are men the heavy here?

    Mark — That was rather progressive of you; every boy I knew in high school at least tried. Can’t tell you how many times I heard, “You would if you loved me.” Ah yes, guilt always works …

  11. Steve says:

    Clip;

    I have drop dead gorgeous female friends in California who are considered frumpy when they are carrying an extra 5 lbs or become ten minutes older than 28.

    I’ve noticed that in high income areas the human tendency to reduce men to providers and to reduce women to sex objects accelerates a bit.

    It sucks for everyone.

  12. Nicole says:

    First date sex? Well I would pretty much go along with Dadshouse’s point of view. My feeling is that if the door was opened on the first date most men would gladly cross the threshold.
    I prefer all the stuff that usually precedes the sex; flirting, innuendos, naughty texting, phone sex, suggestive photos. I love the anticipation, the build up, new age courtship!
    I feel all the “heavy petting”, so to speak, makes the sex all the better.
    Besides, it gives you some time to see if there’s really a connection and if the foreplay is no fun …. why play at all?

  13. [...] a new relationship, and are trying to figure out when you might have sex, check out Kat Wilder’s Let’s Get it On, But When? Kat Wilder’s a middle aged divorced mom who blogs on dating, friends, parenting, etc. [...]

  14. Kat Wilder says:

    Nicole — foreplay is lovely, and if you want to go past the first date, essential. But, what if you just wanna get off?

  15. Nicole says:

    If I just want to “get off” I make a date with my B.O.B …. and you know, Kat all the benefits THAT friend can give!