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Jan 29

Sex is meant to be loud

Rob had to go out of town for a few days so The Kid was hanging around my house a little more than usual.

I love when my kid’s with me, although that also means:

  • the house is way messier
  • the fridge gets empty — fast
  • my electric bill shoots up (think: 24/7 PlayStation, MySpace, Facebook …)
  • the only sex I’m having is with my B.O.B.

Too bad I fried my B.O.B. a few weeks ago (that’s a story for another day), and haven’t had a chance to replace it.

So I called Sean.

“Hey, I was thinking. We’ve been together long enough now and Trent’s old enough — why don’t you sleep over tonight?”


“You’re so ridiculous! Why? I’m horny.”

“I can’t.”

“Of course you can! You have a better offer?”

“Oh, please. I can’t sleep over when Trent’s there, you know that.”

“I know that you don’t. That doesn’t mean I
know why.”

“OK, here’s why: You’re too noisy.”


“Kat, I love your moans and cries, but you’re like that British woman; you can’t be quiet to save your life.”

Hmm. I hate it when pleasure becomes a burden. Especially my pleasure.

OK, I am kind of noisy in bed (and, you know, wherever else …). And it’s true, I can’t help it. Nor would I want to stop even if I could; it’s such a turn-on and it adds to my pleasure and excitement.

And guys like it, right? Please find me one man who doesn’t get off when his woman is having a noisy orgasm. And that sound is hot for women, too. Remember that scene with Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”? We all want to have what she’s having!

Every woman’s mag runs stories on how we should act in bed — moan! scream! talk dirty! Even the Kama Sutra offers up some advice:

“As a major part of moaning, she may use, according to her imagination, the cries of the dove, cuckoo, green pigeon, parrot, bee, nightingale, goose, duck and partridge.”

OK, for the record, if I were a guy and my woman started to go all green pigeon or bee on me in the throes of passion, we might have a problem! None of those sounds quite describe mine, thankfully.

But should I be denying myself pleasure when my kid’s with me when it’s not only natural but I’d be making the same noise whether I was married or not?

Still, I want to respect Sean’s comfort level not to mention whatever embarrassment my vocalizations might cause The Kid or me. I don’t worry about the neighbors. Perhaps I should.

But I do think I’d better let Sean know that he might need to be more attentive to my sexual needs: it seems the noisier females are, the more promiscuous they are, too.

  • Gals, are you noisy?
  • Guys, do you like it?
  • Can a woman be too noisy?
  • Gals, do you like your man to be vocal, too?

Photo © Stas Perov –

Jan 28

“I’m good” has many meanings

Posted on Thursday, January 28, 2010 in Happiness, Honesty, Relationships

Sara and I were downtown having a latte when we heard a familiar voice.

“Sara, Kat!”

It was the mom of a boy our kids went to middle school with, but then went to a private high school — meaning we hadn’t seen her in a while.

But within about two minutes, we’d caught up on her life — the summer trip to Europe, the straight As and sports awards, the kitchen remodel, the nips and tucks.

Then, the inevitable.                

“So, how are you?”

Sara took the bait first.

“It’s been such a tough year. Ashleigh finally had surgery on her knee, so she was off the basketball team for a long time. My mom’s pretty ill and I had to move her into assisted-living: I can’t even tell
you how horrible that’s been. And my ex lost his
job and had to move up north, which has been hard on all of us, and my hours have been cut back, too.
I was sooo ready for 2009 to be over!”

“Oh, well, look on the bright side. There’s so much
to be thankful for.”

We chatted a little more and then, when we said
our goodbyes, Sara turned to me with a frown. “I think I’ve just been dissed.”

“Meaning ..?”

“She asked me how I’m doing, I told her the truth and she dismissed it with a cliche.”

“That’s because no one really wants to hear
how you’re doing when they ask you how
you’re doing. They just want you to say, ‘I’m good.'”

“So then why ask?”

Good question.

I’ve been guilty of the same thing — it’s just something to say, a social nicety. Odd how a “nicety” can be so disingenuous because we’re expecting a pat answer — “I’m good. How are you?” — rather than some sort of truth. Because then we’d actually have to pay attention … and maybe even care. Instead of zoning out over the answer or, perhaps, writing it off as someone who’s dwelling on the negative instead of the positive.

I’m reminded of Jack Nicholson’s passionate response in “A Few Good Men”: “You can’t handle the truth.”

When we ask that of a friend, we accept that we may get more than we bargained for — but, isn’t that what friends are for? But why do we ask that of a stranger or someone who’s ever-so-marginally in our social circle when we really don’t care, when their “I’m good” response is meaningless?

Because “I’m good” is almost always meaningless.

Except, of course, when an attractive man comes up to you and asks, “How are you?”

“I’m good, but if you get to know me better you’ll figure that out for yourself.”

A girl must always have a flirty bon mot at hand …

  • Is there a better thing to say when sharing a moment with a stranger other than asking, “How are you?”
  • When people give you a “negative” response — aka the truth — do you find that unnerving?

Photo © thierry planche –

Jan 25

The days of wine and dating

Posted on Monday, January 25, 2010 in dating, Happiness, Relationships, Singles

“How do you know if someone’s an alcoholic?” Sara asked me as she handed me a glass of zin.

I looked at the wine in my hand, then at her.

“Is this a way of euphemistically asking me if I think I’m a drunk?”

“No, of course not! We like to drink, but we’re not alcoholics.”

“So, who do you think is?”

“I finally had a date with Richie, that guy from Match, last week, remember? I really like him, but he
kicked back six cocktails by the time he drove
me home.”   

“He had six drinks, and then you let him drive you home? Are you crazy? That’s worse than him being a drunk!”

“Well, I didn’t add it all up at the time, even though
it seemed like he was drinking a lot. I thought about it after. But, he didn’t even act drunk or anything. So, how do you know?”

Good question.

Drinking is so ingrained in our culture,
there are probably many people who look like social drinkers but who are really alcoholics, and many people who
look like alcoholics but just like to have a good time.

Good luck trying to decipher that when you’re getting to know someone.

A few years ago I had a first date-gone-wrong with
a guy I’d met online. We met for happy hour at an oyster bar in San Francisco, and as we chatted and sucked down an oyster platter, I suddenly felt the wine smack me upside the head. I hadn’t eaten all day, and here I was — half a glass of wine in me and looped! He never called again, and I don’t blame him; he probably thought I was one of those female boozers who’d end up turning all psycho
on him (although I was delightedly surprised he didn’t at least try to take advantage of me.)

There have certainly been times when I made a bad judgment call like Sara did — driving with someone who’d had too much to drink or who even had an open beer in the car. And there was a time in my life when I’d have thought, “One guy, six drinks = total alcoholic,” but it’s a little more complicated than that.

By some measures, I might be questionable. Why? Because I drink alone. Yes, well, I also happen to live alone and thus eat, sleep, cook, watch DVDs and masturbate alone, too — what choice do I have?

But when you’re dating, unless you’re in recovery or a total teetotaler, booze is often along for the ride. And, that’s OK with me; I want a guy who enjoys good wine and good food with me, and who can have a cocktail or two. I could date someone who doesn’t drink, but I might be unhappy if I couldn’t drink while we were together (still, not a deal-breaker if all else is pretty darn good).

It’s hard to figure out who’s a social drinker and who’s a boozer, especially on a first date.

Given my half-glass-and-looped first date experience, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt (although, honestly, six drinks … and then driving? A boozer or not, Sara’s date was just plain stupid!)

But, if you’ve been with someone for a while and are asking, “How do you know if someone’s an alcoholic?” well, I’m 99 percent positive you already know the answer.

  • Do you drink on a first date?
  • Do you pay attention to how much your date drinks?
  • Do you ever worry about someone’s drinking? Your own?

Photo © Daria Miroshnikova –