Were we “going” somewhere?
“So, what about you and Sean?” a friend of a friend asked me as we sat around at a recent relationship-tell-a-thon (aka girls night).
“What about us?” I answered with a pseudo-naivete. Because I knew exactly where she was getting at. It’s where all women want to know with a question like that — and we’re the only ones who ever ask that. We can be so transparent.
“What’s next?”
I wanted to be honest — “Well, probably this: the next time I see him, I’m going to go down on him like a bat until I get myself in a lustful frenzy and then I’m going to hop on that big, bad thing” — but I don’t think that’s quite what she meant. 
No, she wanted to know our future. Like, where we are going as a couple.
When you think of it, that’s an odd question, isn’t it? Who knows what the future holds, and if we did, wouldn’t we make better bets in Vegas or have invested in Apple stock instead of Krispy Creme?
Even when we think we know what we’re doing, we don’t; just ask Tiger Woods!
I guess when I was younger I might have fantasized about the future more — I always assumed it would include a husband, kids, pets, a house; the usual suspects. And, sure, I probably looked at each man I dated and sized him up — hubby material or not. When I finally found one that I thought was, I married him.
For better or worse, I kinda stopped thinking about “where are we going” once we got there — marriage, kid, house, dog.
Maybe I should have kept asking!
I thought I knew what my midlife would look like, and honestly, getting divorced was no where in the program! But it happened anyway, even though Rob’s and my marriage wasn’t the kind that relationships guru Dr. John Gottman would predict with 90 percent accuracy as ending; we must have been the 10 percent that trips him up. Figures …
So, how do we ever know where a relationship is going?
Still, I understand where that question’s coming from; we gals want to know that love and romance look a certain way — dating, marriage, happily ever after.
But it doesn’t always look that way, especially at midlife. Because not all of us want that (well, I’m sure we all want to be happy for ever after). I’m not looking to get married or live with someone, even Sean, whom I adore more than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m looking for something else, more than lovers, less than spouses, intimacy but with freedom; I just don’t know what it looks like.
Can you be in a committed monogamous relationship that doesn’t go anywhere, it just is?
So, what’s next for us?
I honestly don’t know, but I’m totally digging the journey there.
- Do you always want to know where your relationship is going?
- Is it different now, where you are in your life stage, than it was when you were younger?
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Twitter: kissnblog
says:
Your….find, Kat, that article about bats and fellatio puts a new spin on Batman and Robin.
You know you’ve ruined my childhood now, don’t you? Adam West just wasn’t like that. Burt Ward, perhaps, but not The Man.
Twitter: dadshouseblog
says:
I’m divorced and I’ve had lovers for years now. I don’t miss the drama of being in a relationship, but I do miss having a woman in the house. Built-in company, conversation, snuggling, spooning. And just plain feminine energy. Women and men bring different things to life.
Twitter: honeyandlance
says:
I never thought too much about marriage before meeting Jake, and I only really started thinking about it with him because he has been fantasizing about a wedding his whole life (no kidding!).
I sure hope so because that is where I am at in my life. In love, but the sounds of wedding bells are nowhere in my future. For us there really is…. no point…. we have both been there and done and found that just becuase you are married means you will be together forever…. we both have our kids that we love from previous marraiges and neither of us want to have any other kids, we have a home together, we treat both sides of kids equally and love being together…. we are just fine the way we are…. without a wedding ring.
Twitter: youshouldknowca
says:
New blog posting, Was I "going" somewhere? – http://tinyurl.com/y99sv5f
I can identify. When I was 21 my mom died and I found myself raising my sister, aged 16. She didn’t drive or have a car till much later and although I did have some financial support from our dad I lived like a single working mother until 26 because of responisbilities.
I was a romantic and just knew the right person would appear anytime. Held out longer for the physical aspect of relationships thinking I had to REALLY like the person and it have serious potential.
I got burned too many times and too tired. I started to focus more on work and the future. Got into management, bought a house, sister got a car! Good stuff all around.
But the right person never came along. I am almost 29 and can’t seem to settle. I’ve thought about it. I’ve had lovers and thought maybe it was time to just pick one and get married. But when it’s time for my guest to leave I feel ready. When he splashes water halfway up the bathroom mirror I think–”God, you’re 36–grow up!”
I love men, I love being intimate with men. And if a great compatable person had come along just a little sooner I think I could have made room in my life and heart.
But now being alone is the new normal. I do things my way. While a closer relationship would be nice I don’t think I evoke feelings of love in men. So why not enjoy my independence and my house and the romance? Like have a bed buddy I really like as a person. Years ago the thought would have made me cry but now I think it’s the way of the future. Hate to think not finding the one when you’re younger mean not at all but if that’s the case I definately want a snuggle buddy!
And for those in serious relationships with no plans of marriage I say don’t let yourself be pressured! If you both feel good as it is let it be. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Wombie — so sorry to blow the Batman thing; he’s my fave superhero, too. No special skills — just brains (oh, yeah, and money).
Dads — does every relationship have to have “drama”? I seem to create plenty … on my own!
Honey — I still think that’s so sweet that Jake wants the big blow-out wedding. I suppose if it was really important to my guy to get hitched, I’d do it, too.
Jolene — if you’re living together, you’ve already gone and are (in my mind, anyway) already “there.” Know what I mean?
Ames — Kuddos to you for raising your sis. Where was your dad?!? At 29, you are still young. When the right man appears, you’ll know. And, honestly, when you think bout it, isn’t love and sex and a partner more important than mirror streaks? As a divorced woman, I say, yes!
Yes Kat! You’re right-love is way more important than water streaks on a mirror! Although I posit that many marriages may be strengthened by seperate bathrooms! It could get down stress on so many levels! Smile.