RSS Feed

Should women man up?

Posted on Thursday, December 17, 2009 in Advice, dating, Honesty, love, Relationships

I was in line at the coffee shop, forced  to overhear the animated grumblings of the two attractive blondes behind who were dissecting The Troubles. One was having problems with her boyfriend, the other was dishing out advice — bad advice,
like Cosmo mag on steroids.   two women

I’ve heard conversations like that before. Hell, I’ve had conversations like that before. What woman hasn’t? The man we’re hot on isn’t responding the way we want and so we ask a girlfriend for help. What do we get in return? “Play hard to get, don’t return his calls, make
him jealous, ask him where he relationship’s ‘going,’ give him an ultimatum …”

As much as we mean well, women aren’t so great at giving other women tips, because, well, we’re women, too! We understand women, not men, and most of us have been tainted by all the crappy dating advice the media keeps throwing at us. And we buy more self-help books than men; there’s a warning sign right there!

Not to say that I haven’t given my share of advice; I have. But one of the best compliments I ever got was this, “You think like a guy.”

Well, I don’t really. I’m a girlie girl, one who revels in my femininity and all that it encompasses, and who appreciates men for all their masculine traits (and am forgiving of the ones I don’t get, as I hope they are of me!)

But I often feel disconnected to what’s considered “typical” female thoughts and actions.

But, despite that, I can be as helpless in helping a gal figure out her love life as anyone else.

If you wanted tips on how to give mind-blowing blowjobs, you’d ask a gay guy, right? (Think: he knows what it feels like giving and receiving). So, if we’re trying to understand men, shouldn’t we be asking men about men? Asking another woman for advice about men is about as helpful as asking a Yes Man; you may hear what you want to hear, and not what you need to hear.

Now, you have to be careful which guy you ask; you don’t want to ask a player for relationship advice. You want to ask a guy who’s grounded, insightful and real.

Can men ask the same of women? I want to say yes, but … women don’t always know what we want. I know, because I’m a woman.

So, whom do you ask when you need relationship help?

Bring on the comments

  1. I think what matters more than anything is who is getting the advice rather than who is giving it. Far too many people “hear what (they) want to hear, and not what (they) need to hear.” The fact that they’re even asking in the first place means they already know something is off and also probably know the answer but are seaking some validation or reassurace.

    I, too, have been told that I “think like a guy”. I don’t try to analyze and over analyze what a guy does or says but I do pay attention to those things and that usually tells me all I need to know.

    “You will never be able to escape from your heart. So it’s better to listen to what it has to say. That way, you’ll never have to fear an unanticipated blow.” ~The Alchemist

  2. Linda says:

    I ask my guy friend at work.

    I was just telling him yesterday that although I do adore my girlfriends, they don’t always tell me what I need to hear.

  3. Mike says:

    LOL. I remember when I was in the car with my ex and her best friend. The BF was having guy issues and my ex is trying to give advice. Yes the usual crazy advice. So at one point I asked them why didn’t they ask a guy since that was the problem. Both looked at me like I have 3 heads. I gave them some advice, but it wasn’t used. I usually ask the opposite sex for advice on women.

  4. Kat Wilder says:

    New blog posting, Should women man up? –

  5. W.D. says:

    Please, oh please, don’t ask a guy. We never get the respect we deserve for our advice. i.e. its never adhered to. Usually its just so they can disregard the advice since they’d pondered it themselves and just wanted a “no” vote. Which in male to female translation is usually opposite-world. And I never use reverse-psychology and give the wrong answer.

    I really don’t think I’m alone in this…

  6. Travis
    Twitter: CulminatingLife

    First, I don’t ask questions about relationships with other people. I will ask the one I’m dating, what’s going on. I don’t want to hear XYZ advice from anyone else, other the her.

    And, I’ve always been this way. And it has served me very, very well. You just have to learn how to ask.

    I tell people that if they have to lie, then they never learned how to say the truth beautifully.

    So, if someone asks me for advice, your going to get a very honest, but respectful, kind appreciative answer. This has been very successful practice in my life, because I told them without insulting anyone.

  7. Kat Wilder says:

    Mindy — Yes, you’re right in “who is getting the advice” might matter more than who’s giving it. Although all of us hear only what we want to hear at certain times. Makes life easier!

    Linda — Do you get worried asking a co-worker? That’s a post for another day; how much should we confide at work?

    Mike — Wow; you saw it in action! That’s a rarity! No wonder men think we women are a little crazy …

    W.D. — LOL! But, you know, we women don’t even listen to our girlfriends’advice, so don’t feel too bad!

    Travis — I think that’s really the best way; go to the source! Of course, we women are notorious for saying “Nothing!” when asked what’s wrong, even though the guy knows and the woman knows something is wrong. Sadly, sometimes, women keep score, and the past is going to eventually rear its ugly head when it’s convenient (for her!)

  8. Wombat
    Twitter: kissnblog

    I plan on asking you, Kat. Are you up for it?

  9. Travis
    Twitter: CulminatingLife

    On a slight tangent. I actually have a method for getting at exactly what “Nothing!” really is.

    Don’t bring it up. Talk about everything else, ask about things going on during the day. Or previous situations, but don’t ask “What’s wrong”

    And as you opened the doors with all the regular conversations, they will finally open up and tell you in all their frustration, sadness, excitement or curiosity.

    And you just listen. Reply back with sincerity. Study what she says, and ask more questions about the “subject” not about her (Not yet anyway) get more information by saying something like “Well what did you do about that?” or “Wow, interesting, so did they…?”

    And they will tell you everything you want to know, by you having a open communication about all important matters.

    One time, I went “Hmmm” and that’s all I said. She said, “What? What’s on your mind?” (See what I did there, got her to ask the question)

    “I’m just thinking about what you’ve said.”

    “Really? Tell me?”

    And there you have it. I now got to express my thoughts, by getting her to ask what I was thinking about.

  10. Jim Everson says:

    Since your poll shows you, Kat, in the lead for relationship advice, I’m going to start asking you.

  11. Kat Wilder says:

    Wombie — Fire away. Who’s better to dish out advice than a middle-aged divorced woman? I mean, really! I’ll call it WWKD (aka What Would Kat Do)

    Travis — OK, that’s a good way to get around to it, I guess. You sure you’re not a chick in drag?

    Jim — OK, that makes you and Wombie; Go for it!!!

  12. Travis
    Twitter: CulminatingLife

    … Uh, no… ouch.

    I’ve just learned the art of being a gentleman. And, that I actually love being in love with a woman. So, I make sure they have no reason to not want to be in love with me (it takes practice… and I wasn’t always perfect at it, but I learned from the mistakes and will actually change as needed)

  13. VJ says:

    I too can look at my potted plants and just know when they need some water. Is it something like that Travis? Just wondering. Cheers, ‘VJ’

  14. FUN & FACT

    I keep want to start this comment with ‘good’ or ‘nice’ or ‘great’ but none of these seems strong enough, or appropriate enough for what you just posted.Just fantastic and mindblowing blog keep it up..!!!

  15. Loriann says:

    I consult my Magic 8 Ball …
    That darn “Outlook not so good” steers me straight 🙂

  16. Kat Wilder says:

    VJ — now, now; play nice …

    Loriann — LOL! Mine has never led me astray either!

  17. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    I’m all for talking to others to get new ideas and angles of thought. But in the end, I think you have to just ask yourself. What do you want from a relationship? How do you want to interact with others? Then you’ll attract the person who is right for you.

  18. Edgar says:

    I agree with Travis – the best way to find out what someone else is feeling or thinking is to ask them. Even if they do have three heads.

    As for consultations about life experiences, if it’s something that needs a small bit of cogitation, a friend is a good one to regale with tales. But, if you find yourself with a bipolar significant other – or worse yet, someone with borderline personality disorder (the last two relationships I had were one of each) – the best place to turn is to a professional for advice. A yogi.

    As in Berra.