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As good as any reason to get it on?

Posted on Monday, December 7, 2009 in dating, Honesty, hookups, Relationships, Sex/sexuality

Sara had that look on her face when I picked her up the other night. It’s the “I think I’m about to do something stupid and I desperately need advice so I can ignore it and do the stupid thing anyway” look.

“So …” she started as soon as she strapped in her seat belt.


© laurent hamels -

© laurent hamels -

“I need your help.”


“What’s up?”

“Well, I’d been e-mailing back and forth with a guy from Match. Yesterday, we met for coffee. He’s cute and he’s a really nice guy but he struggles with depression and a lot of other crap. He’s a bit of a mess,.”

“That’s a tough one.

“Yeah. That’s been a major bum for him when it comes to relationships. He’s on meds, and that doesn’t help with the libido thing. But, I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what?”

“I’m thinking I might fuck him.”

“OK, you don’t make any sense. He’s got red flags all over him, and yet you want to exchange bodily fluids. What’s that about?”

“I just feel bad for him.”

“So are you saying you’re going to give him a courtesy fuck?”

“Uh, I guess so. Should I?”

I didn’t know what to tell Sara because I certainly wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of one. But haven’t almost all of us given one — especially those of us who are married or who have been married (he’s horny, you’re tired and you’ve avoided sex for a few days and then you realize you better at least give him a blow job to keep the marital peace)?

People have sex for lots of reasons, but as long as the sex isn’t to hurt someone (like for revenge or the crazy people who have unprotected sex and don’t tell their partner they have  an STD or HIV),  are there better or worse reasons to have sex with someone? And please don’t bring up “the best sex is always with someone you love” argument; honestly, I’ve had some pretty amazing sex with men I barely knew. Sex is sex, and sex with someone you love and all the emotional/hormonal things that go along with that is something entirely different.

So, have you ever had courtesy sex? Why?

Bring on the comments

  1. Guilty. I had courtesy sex with my husband sometimes(when we were married). I used to call it “Leno sex”. I’m sure you can draw your own conclusions as to why. 😉

  2. Honey
    Twitter: honeyandlance

    Yes, absolutely I have – most recently as you say with my boyfriend because we have very different circadian rhythms and don’t tend to be awake at the same time – eventually someone has to suck it up and do it when they’re not at their best, and since a guy not being at his best has technical issues, often it’s me. Though I usually get into it by the end 🙂

    As far as my single/dating days, sure I had sex with guys I wasn’t all that interested in. That was long enough ago (and I wasn’t especially introspective then) that I have a hard time remembering why, though sometimes it was genuinely feeling bad for a guy and other times getting swept away with one aspect of them that I found really attractive, all the while knowing that in the long run other things would interfere.

  3. Dan says:

    From a male perspective:


    No. Just, no.

    So call me old-fashioned, and probably too proud for my own good, but if I ever felt that I was on the receiving end of such, I’d tell the offerer (is that a word? It is now!) to stop insulting me and…a’hem…bugger off.

  4. Steve says:

    It’s the “I think I’m about to do something stupid and I desperately need advice so I can ignore it and do the stupid thing anyway” look

    I resemble that remark 🙂

    “So are you saying you’re going to give him a courtesy fuck?”

    I love that line! “courtesy fuck”. It makes me think of fresh hotel rooms with little free bags of coffee in the bathroom, little bars of wrapped up soap…..and….”courtesy fucks”. LOL!

    Seriously, I don’t see what the problem is with your friend having the depressed dude just because she is attracted to him. As long as everyone knows what is going on and the wording of the invitation is cool……

  5. KC says:

    I think Sara would be doing more harm than good… although she may want to “get off” on fucking him…. a guy that is mentally “off” isn’t going to see it that way… especially if he’s lets just say, “not a ladies man”… and if Sara is anything close to being HOT, than all the more damage… once she fucks him, he’s going to thing it’s more than a “sport fuck” and may go NUTS…. and we read in the paper all the time about that….

  6. Kat Wilder says:

    New blog posting, As good as any reason to get it on? –

  7. Kat Wilder says:

    Honey — well, maybe having courtesy sex with a BF/spouse is a different category. It seems to be that’s done as part of the relationship deal. A courtesy fuck with someone we feel “sorry” for is more like a power play.

    Dan — yeah, I understand that. But, would you always be able to know?

    Steve — we all resemble that remark! As for “everyone knowing what’s going on,” that’s NSA arrangement. With courtesy fucks only the person giving it knows it. (Not that I’ve read “The Idiot’s Guide to Courtesy Fucks,” but I think it’s one-sided that way, you know?)

    KC — Hmm, you bring up a point. But, who knows. I keep thinking of Woody Allen’s comment in “Manhattan”: “I’ve never had the wrong kind of orgasm, ever. Even my worst one was right on the money …”

  8. KC says:

    But you also have to think of him… he may not think that way… And once HE gets of… he may not feel the same way and THAT may send him into a crazy state of mind… and then Sara is the one in danger…
    Just a thought

  9. Dan says:

    Kat–Given my experiences of being the token socially inept misfit/misanthrope, I should certainly hope I would, by now….

  10. Travis
    Twitter: CulminatingLife

    Kat, here is my rule of thumb on “getting it on”…. I wait, I wait so long and play and lead up, and get the thought building up in their minds, that I can honestly say that I have never received courtesy anything. I make sure that I walk away last.

  11. dadshouse
    Twitter: dadshouseblog

    When I was in high school, I dreamed the hottie cheerleader would give me a courtesy f**k. Now that I’m middle aged, I don’t want any courtesy. I want passion. The real thing. Though, if that cheerleader is still hot, I wouldn’t say no…

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