Who says the L-word first?
It was a leisurely Sunday morning a few years back. Van and I were taking our time getting up; actually, we were snuggling together in a way that was going to get him a little more up than me, let’s say.
After, as we lay there, a wonderfully sweaty tangle of legs and arms, his hot breathe against my neck, he gave me a kiss so tender and loving that I committed the most fatal mistake we gals can do with someone we’ve been dating for a few months.
I opened my mouth. 
“I’m falling in love you,”
I said softly into his ear.
There was silence.
It was the most deafening silence I have ever experienced, before and since.
Did he not hear me? Was he pretending he didn’t hear me? Either way, I wasn’t about to repeat myself.
“Oh boy, did I fuck up,” I told Sara, calling her as I headed back home later that morning.
“What you do? Forget to put gas in your car again?”
“No. I told Van I love him this morning.”
“Kat, I told you before: A woman never, ever, says the L-word until the guy says it first. Why don’t you ever listen to me?”
“Because you’re divorced; if you knew what the hell you were talking about when it comes to relationships, you wouldn’t be.”
“Touche. But, honestly, haven’t I gotten smarter?”
Maybe she has, but was she smarter in this instance? Should men be the first to mutter the three little words — “I love you” — that transform a relationship into something “meaningful”? Or is that a woman’s thing?
Or, does it even matter who says it first, as long as someone says it to move the relationship along?
As usual, the so-called dating experts are all over the map on this one. Thanks, but …
So, forget asking them; the only answer that matters is from men. Why? Because we gals don’t really understand them; all we know is that sometimes when we do what feels natural to us (or, worse yet, follow the advice of some stupid women’s mag), we end up crying into a pint of Rocky Road.
And, according to a lot of guys, Sara’s right; women typically don’t flip out and bolt if a guy she likes tells her he loves her. In fact, she’s probably been dreaming (aka obsessing) about that day.
And if she’s not quick to return the love? Like it or not, men have a lot more experience with rejection than we gals do. This is not being sexist; I’m not saying it’s even fair, and I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt. I’m just saying it is. So, if he says “I love you” and she gets all silent on him, he probably can deal with it better.
But it’s risky business for a woman to say “I love you” to a guy who’s hasn’t quite sorted it out in his head yet. It’s gotta feel like he’s just stepped on a land mine that’s going to explode, spewing diamond rings, engagement parties, wedding planning and, eventually, a minivan. No wonder many want to bolt. Goodbye freedom, hello commitment.
However, regardless of gender, you never want to say “I love you” too soon. Say that to someone after a few months of dating, and you’re talking with your genitals, not your head. Lust is intoxicating, but it ain’t love. It’s like eating the tiramisu before the Caesar salad, garlic bread and pollo al diablo; it might be luscious, but it can’t sustain you. And even if it feels sincere, but it won’t come off that way.
And yet, I’m still not fully convinced. You know how I feel about dating rules, like third-date sex, all the stupid dating markers and the silly games we’re “supposed” to play. Why can’t a relationship develop organically?
So, I’ll ask the smartest people of all — my readers.
Who says “I love you” first?
(and, just because I’m curious, who says it in a gay or lesbian relationship; think about it)
Photo © leekic – Fotolia.com
The end of the world as we know it
I’m not a big fan of those multibillion-dollar apocalyptic movies like “Doomsday” and “I Am Legend”; there’s just so may ways you can destroy the Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty and Golden Gate Bridge without getting somewhat numb to it all.
Not to get all 2012 on you, but I do feel the apocalypse is coming, it’s just not going to be in the form of a comet smashing into the Earth, another Ice Age, a pandemic or an alien invasion. In fact, it isn’t going to destroy the world at all. It’s going to be a more personal apocalypse, just for us Homo sapiens.
And it’s going to come with just a whimper, certainly (if you read further) not a bang. From us.
We’re just going to stop having sex. 
Not me, mind you, but a lot of other people, the ones who should be having sex because they still can make babies (and thus populate the world).
I know it sounds weird, but there have been a few things in the news lately that have led me to this conclusion.
A few months ago, I read that quite a number of women in a survey said that fitting into their “skinny” jeans again would be better than having sex (this according to Special K, which sponsored the survey so, granted, it’s not entirely unbiased). Of course, they’d be able to fit into those jeans quicker if they had an energetic romp a few times a week, but whatever.
In any event, that shows you what a lot of women think about sex; not much, especially when those $125 pair of size 28 True Religion jeans look so friggin’ hot on!
Oh, but don’t go pointing your finger at the ladies. Guys aren’t stepping up to the sexual plate, either. In fact, most of the men who participated in the MALES study (that’s Men’s Attitudes to Life Events and Sexuality) put having a satisfying sex life right up there with having “a nice home”; in other words, dead last (because have you ever been with a man who jumped at the chance to help pick out the living room curtains? No!). This from 27,839 men ages 20 to 75 in eight countries — a pretty broad selection. More important than sex was “being in good health” (OK, makes sense); “a harmonious family life” (ditto); and “good relationship with partner/wife” (which is great, but it would be a hell of a lot better if you were going down on her nightly; just an idea).
OK, but what does that have to do with the apocalypse, you might ask.
Not much, except some UC Berkeley researchers discovered that some freaky things have been happening to frogs. Like, gender confusion. Some frogs living in water contaminated by a common weed killer began acting weird: they hardly developed sperm, their testosterone levels were practically nil and they lost their mojo, forgetting to “sing” the calls that not only attracted the ladies to a personal party but also threw the stink-eye to their competitors.
In other words, they were becoming like manpurse-toting modern-day male novelists — too cool for sex.
And the few that, thankfully, didn’t had other, uh, interesting, results. They started to resemble post-op trannies, not only producing estrogen and developing female external reproductive organs, but acting like a cougar at happy hour, flirting with other other male frogs and even letting them fertilize their eggs (yes, the males had eggs).
Which grew into healthy frogs — male frogs.
OK, we’re not frogs, but there are parts of the country where the same levels of the herbicide — known as atrazine — are in our drinking water.
So — follow me here — a good portion of women would rather be skinny than have sex, and a good portion of men would rather be enjoying a lot of other emo things instead of banging their old lady. OK, that portion of the population can go over in a corner somewhere and have their genitals shrivel up. But if the rest of the guys who place sex a little higher than having a house straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog are drinking water, it’s likely they’ll either:
- become demasculinized or
- become feminized, and give birth to boys only
Who will either not be interested in sex, or will, as long as they can turn all girlie and let some guy do the nasty deed so they can have a nice little family of boys.
See where this is leading? It’s just like a Cormac McCarthy novel; it’s not going to end pretty.
I know that I obsess a bit about sex — who’s not having it, who’s having it but not enjoying it, who’s wanting it with me, etc. — but this time, I have a good reason.
So, if you want to save the planet, please start having more sex. No, girls, those jeans do not make your butt look fat. Yes, guys, you can place a pair of European overstuffed club chairs in a modern living room (just pay attention to the accessories).
And whatever you do, don’t drink the water!
Photo © Nathalie P – Fotolia.com
Your cheating heart
We were long overdue for a gals’ night, so we gathered last week and found ourselves lined up at the bar at the Buckeye.
“Don’t look now, but isn’t that Scott?” Mia asked, jerking her head rhythmically to the right.
“It sure is,” Sara said, her head whipping around to see the action in the booth behind us. “But that sure isn’t Liz.”
Liz being Scott’s wife.
“And, so?” I asked. “For all you girls know, it could be a business meeting, or his niece or a
friend who needs advice. Stop being so
suspicious!” 
They looked at me like I was one of those psycho women all exes seem to become to guys when they’re describing us to their
new love.
I know what it might look like, but looks can be deceiving. There were more than a few times when I was having dinner or cocktails with a male friend and some busybody walked by and assumed we were dating just because I’m a single woman with a guy.
But maybe Scott was cheating. Or maybe he was having dinner with a female co-worker and didn’t tell his wife about it; would that be cheating, too?
Cheating isn’t so black and white anymore.
It used to be if that you weren’t actually cheating unless there were body fluids and cigarettes in a cheap motel.
Now? Well, if you don’t have a dozen
mistresses coming out of the woodwork talking to the media, like Tiger, it’s a little fuzzier.
- Some women think a guy’s intense interest in porn is cheating.
- Some women think if their squeeze
is always checking out other women, he’s cheating. - Some women think if he’s sharing TMI (mostly about them) to another woman, he’s cheating.
- Some women think if he’s a flirt he’s cheating.
- Some women think sending dirty text messages is cheating.
- Some women think it’s cheating if their guy friends an ex on Facebook.
So, what is cheating?
I used to think it was fairly simple — a guy’s cheating if he’s shagging someone (and in all fairness, it could as just as easily be if she’s shagging someone; don’t mean to lay all the guilt on you guys. I know women are just as guilty as men). But the Internet, IM, texting and Facebook have changed everything.
And, I’ve changed, too. My thoughts, that is.
I think someone’s cheating if whatever he’s doing is compromising the relationship because he’s not being honest about it. If a guy can’t tell his partner about something he’s doing and who he’s doing it with (an maybe in the case of watching porn, how often he’s doing it), then something’s wrong.
That doesn’t mean that we have to tell our partners everything; Lord knows her daily minutiae is boring enough without having to take on his, too. And it doesn’t mean he’s afraid to tell her because she’s going to get all bitchy about him having female friends or looking at an attractive woman walking by (or acknowledging that). That’s an insecure woman, which is a much bigger problem (and, ironically, one that may lead to a man cheating).
But if she starts asking you about your day or someone (nicely, of course), and you feel like you can’t quite tell her the truth or start getting defensive, I’d say there might be a wee bit of a problem.
When I discovered Rob’s affair, it wasn’t so much that he was screwing someone as the lies — whenever he looked me in the face, he wasn’t telling me the truth (although, I didn’t know that at that particular moment). That’s just not how people who say they love you treat you. That was hard to grasp.
So, what’s cheating to you?
Photo © Inger Anne Hulbækdal – Fotolia.com
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